Oh, is this planet earth? I couldn't tell lately.

I hope your Christmas was as excellent as mine.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good, His love endures forever."Psalm 136:1

at THIS crossroad

I am dancing, and I don't care if anybody's watching.
Oh, how joy is mine!
Love is mine!

I did what you said, God, even if it had me in knots. You are always right, even though I doubt you when I should not.

I'm just going to bring Psalm 46:10a up (at least one more time):

Be still and know that I am God.

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying:
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
Jeremiah 31: 3


In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.
Proverbs 16:9

HOW TRUE! Oh what would I do without my Heavenly Father guiding my foot steps?

To answer your question: it sends shock waves of indescribable emotion through me.

Love is indeed, something beautiful.

I took a step, onto the ice and it sent shivers of joy up my spine.

i-c-e

The new normal was something I was not expecting. Things are settling, the term is ending. I have new things to ponder. I am pushed to live beyond myself and my own little world. I am sorry for living within myself so often. I think I'm going to have more to apologize for, sooner rather than later.

I am ready for life to take over, and I am finished with death for now.
I am ready to walk on the ice, take the chance and become addicted.

...I just wasn't expecting this.

being thankful, which I am

Today. Well...about 2 minutes ago I remembered something from when I was in elementary school. Every day my mom would make my sister and I write one thing down on our "thankfulness list". As a child I invariably grew tired of it. But now I know it was to spur me on in later years to remember and be thankful. Today was one of those happy thankful days, which you wish there were more of to enjoy. Many wonderful, glorious things and incredible people both presently and pastly (yes, a new word.) in my life. Maybe that's why I remembered this tradition. The following is an up to date,very current thankfulness list.

I am thankful (f0r):

1)LOVE!
2)children
3) Adie, short for Adeline, pronounced A-dell-lynn. She is 1 and she has stolen my heart and my kisses.
4) Christmas music
5) personally adressed "valued" mail. ( not that I've received any recently. cough.)
6) flannel sheets
7) mentors
8) pasta
9) drama
10) smiles directed at me
11) Sufjan Stevens
12) The song "Mary, Did You Know?"
13) USB Sticks that surprise you
14) Being excited!
15) conversation
16) getting things DONE
17) encouragement
18) truffles, or rather chocolate in general.
19) Psalm 46:10a (still trying to remember that one all the time and it's only been a day. pfft.)
20) the devotional I'm doing right now. -"Pure"
21) dancing in the middle of the street in the slushy rain/snow and laughing...
22)...not caring that anybody's watching
23) just laughing
24) straight teeth
25) getting my thoughts down
26) thinking about you
27)actually, just you in general. Ha, yes, you. Who else would I be talking to?
28) colour, and then more
29) painting
30) h-o-p-e.
31) beating hearts
32) feeling beautiful
33) my day planner-it helps keep me together
34) learning from people
35) strength
36) being a romantic soul
37) sleep
38) family photos
39) the 5 senses
40) my piano
41) specific memories
42) SUMMER
43) dressing-up
44) my plaid hat ( but I'm too scared to wear outside the house. GAH. frustration at me)
45) knowing someone cares
46) college and university open houses/tours
47) intro to psychology and sociology
48) microphones
49) s-i-n-g-i-n-g
50) baby name books (don't get the wrong idea...)
51) those who inspire me
52) going crazy- i.e. singing really loud, laughing lot's, running, dancing etc
53) hugs that say a lot without a verbal word spoken
54) journaling
55) iced tea
56) angels all around me
57) when you look me in the eyes
58) God's faithfulness
59) my teddy bears: Honey and Declan
60) my job. I work at a daycare. yeah, I still can't believe I have such a cool job.
61) feeling appreciated
62) the ability to cry
63) hanging out with you
64) prayer
65) relationship
66) getting people I love, presents
67) did I mention LOVE?

I'm so not even close to being done. Oh, goodness, no. I like this kind of day.
Thank you to so many people for so many things, and thanks be to God for giving me things and people to be thankful for.

the still quiet voice

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10a.

Note to self: DON'T FORGET!

" I fell and love you."

'round

I am so frustrated. Urgh.
I just want to figure this praticular situation out and I'm pretty sure in my gut, it won't be tomorrow. No, in fact it won't be. Probably not the day after that either, etc.
Sometimes talking is dangerous. I think the need to talk to someone about something ("in"or is it "un")praticular is also dangerous. Communicating can be dangerous...it can also relieve much confusion. Lack of communication is dangerous too. Very dangerous.
One word or one sentence can break you, me, the situation, the joy, the tension or whatever else it can break with startling conviction.

Don't you just enjoy it so much when your mind gets caught on one thing, or one situation and you go over it, and over it; etc. etc. etc.

You think...if only I didn't have to think about this or deal with it I would feel so much better! Chances are you'll find something else to think about or deal with. This is the way we roll.
Gotta love us. (Oh, I do...)

she is my friend

This is of a beautiful girl on this planet who is also my beloved friend.
I'm proud.
I love her.
She won Hamilton Teen Idol 2008.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlZK6D5sVQE

(I also adore this song).

--

I still want more than a dream and I don't know what to do.

I want more than a dream.
I want reality.

flip side

My mind is almost always at war with some issue or another. Oh, goodness, I hate when I can't do anything. Hate it. I hate sitting here sometimes.

Once, a couple years ago, a friend of mine said something that has stuck with me...

"I hate not knowing".

I couldn't agree more.

On the other side, because there is always a flip side.
I love ROOTS because I learn and I'm challenged and I meet (more) new people and I strengthen bonds already made.
I love Psalm 56 because it has come up 3 seperate times in the last 4 days.
I love that I can trust in God ( now do it already Kathleen!!!!!)
I love that my tears are recorded on His scroll.
I love that I can walk on this earth in the light of life.
&hearts...

What can mortal man do to me?
what can mortal man do to me?

This is what will happen...

You know... $95 falling out of your pocket while you walk is never cool. It will make you sad, mad and heavy. It will make you desire a hug or a hand to hold as you walk in the cold air wearing just a light sweater, searching for random bills perhaps lying on the ground, as you realize with growing anxiety they aren't just going to appear. It could make you get really frustated and perhaps cry a tiny bit depending on who you are. You will become instantly down on realization it's not coming back, and you will wonder how you will get that $95 back in some way, because you need it, for any number of reasons. Ugh. My hope is whoever was blessed with it uses it for something God would approve of.

PS. You will continue to feel loaded down for a while.

PSS. You might also go ahead and roll your ankle while trying to forget about losing the money.

You gotta try and laugh now. It likely won't work.

--

Just a thought, unrelated: I really really enjoy giving people presents.

just when you thought I was passive

No pain, no gain. Is this true? I think so.

If you are in need of reading a potentially entertaining story, read on!

Tonight at youth we played this game where one person had to go, run and duck behind 3 seperate obstacles to try to get to the hoola-hoop and touch it without being hit by a ball being thrown at them by the other team (in this case boys vs. girls). Seems simple enough. Girls were up for ducking and dodging first. I was volunteered first female up. Now, here's the thing. I'm not the kind of girl who enjoys ducking and dodging and escaping and all that, but for some reason my brain was in a different gear and I just thought whatever!!! So I handed my glasses over to my dear friend and got ready to go. Let me just say, what followed was epic. (Or epic in the story of Kathleen). On "go!" I immediately threw myself to the ground behind the first table, I was untouched by flying balls. Peeking over the top I then hurled myself across the floor to behind the other table and peeked over again as balls flew past me. Oh, now my adrenaline was pumping. The last obstacle before reaching the hoola-hoop was a couch, and somehow in one giant slide sorta flip thing I will never be able to repeat ever! I reached the safety zone, all of a sudden feeling my elbow exploding in pain. I then ducked out and threw myself at the hoola-hoop scoring the girls 1 point. I stood up completely exhilerated while the girls cheered and the guys stood there a little shocked. (Did I mention I am not an aggresive person?) I then took a good look at my elbow. I had managed in my sliding, ducking and dodging feats to scrape most of the skin off the lower side of my elbow. It was impressive and it stung like crazy. After following my friends advice to put it under water, which wasn't good advice but I didn't clue in because I was concentrating on the growing stingingness. lol. (I love you Mal, and I know you're reading this and laughing at me...or rather, with me.:P) And the water totally made it feel a ton worse and so then I almost swore. Yep. In church! I was really on a good role, aggression and cussing. Haha. The other thing is I hadn't been at youth in ages 'cause of work and stuff, so yeah I was making a nice impression after my absence. Then one of the leaders who is a doctor of sorts had a look at it and proclaimed I needed a bandage. So my youth pastor got out the first aid kit. Well, let me tell you, I don't know how long that kit has been there, but it's been a long time. Everything is OLD! Anyway, so there were no regular bandages large enough to cover my elbow so my pastor opted for a rather large gauze bandage which was then wrapped around my elbow making the fact that I had been slightly injured rather obvious. His reasoning was such a display of aggression from me with such consequences should be rewarded with warrior bandages. (Shakes head and rolls eyes. He's a funny one, and I love him) Of course my dearest (cough) thought it was a little over the top. Actually, I did too to be honest. (:P) But hey, it's also super fun to wear a bandage that's way over the top for what you actually need. Really. I mean com'mon, who doesn't like a bandage to advertise feats won (or perhaps lost) once in a while? Honestly! HA. Then we had this awesome discussion on the virtual world vs. the real world. Like are you the same person on facebook, texting, msn and blogging that you are face to face? So, that's what kind of prompted me to share this story. The irony of sharing something about me, that's usually not me. Taking the opportunity to brag ever so slightly. Yes, because even though I tried not to, I still did a little bit. Sorry guys. I'm still working on being 100% humble. Be yourself, do crazy things, scrape yourself up a little bit now and then. I discovered it makes everything a little more fun. (Even when 5 hours later it's still stinging.)

Love you, and goodnight.

If it's all good...

Surprises are one of the best things ever.

I enjoy them muchly.:)

a tiny turn

Nothing like hanging with "the girls" you've known for ages to make you feel better.
It's like all the yesterday's, only we have different things to talk about now than 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 years ago.
:)

PS. I have some answers.

Now to stay focused....(lol).

part of my life

I hate "this", and it's something that cannot change. Right now. (but don't I wish it could.)

I suppose, I am, waiting.

waiting:
–noun
1.
a period of pause, interval, or delay.
–adjective
2.
serving or being in attendance: waiting man; waiting maid; waiting woman.

My heart doesn't stop.
Lord, what is this?
--
I'm sorry my blog is so cryptic.

I want to make sense.

But right now, I can't.

And there's nothing I can do.

The gap is too wide.

A part of me is missing.

I just realized.

How to get it back...

a whole bunch of thoughts and emotions jammed into poem-ish form in one post

As each day dawns, I turn my mind toward the Son and ask again
What this day will will turn into, how will it go
Will I fall down or soar higher
Will my attitude be good or maybe not
It's really my choice on that one
We'll see what I choose
Sometimes I'm hiding,
Other moments I live in the spotlight
You never leave my mind.
The same questions cycle through
I try to please all people that I love
It get's tiring sometimes when I get caught
I'm crazy, yes I know
My normal isn't close to your normal
I'd love to shrink the world
Find you there
Sun causes patterns to dance on the sidewalk
I walk all alone
I wish often, you could see me
When I'm by myself
I'm not the same as I am when I'm in the spotlight
I'm quiet and reserved and contemplating life
Life, what a concept, it's what I'm living now
Can we take a walk
That's what I really want right now
The fresh air makes me feel a whole lot better
Crunchy leaves remind me time is passing
Pictures remind me of previous days
There is much to celebrate
I have love
I forget every two seconds
But I always get reminded
When it's true, it will work
If I try, I can do it
Waiting isn't exactly easy
Esspecially when you wonder what for
Trying to read my heart, word for word
Imagining
Dreaming at night
Dreams filled with things I can't even moniter
That's the beauty and also the horror
I wish you well
If there is something I can do right now
It is believe in you
That's what I hold onto
For myself as well
I'm trying to get focused again
That will make things better
I feel like I've been on a detour recently
The road's been pretty curvy
Keeping it together, isn't always easy
I do wear my heart on my sleeve
Yeah...I know
That's me
And then there's you.
The end.

PS. That is totally not it.

stick by me

"Far away, there in the sunshine, are my highest apsirations...I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." (Lousia May Alcott)

If I invest in beauty, it will stay with me the rest of my life. And I'm not really talking about external beauty.
--
Very recently, I've been remembering to appreciate the little good moments. Like sitting on the kitchen counter, legs dangling, with a five year old eating cucumber and carrot sticks and dipping them in ranch dressing from our seperate little cups and talking about how good vegetables are.

I'm remembering a lot of many things these days.

PS. I went to "real" school today, for two hours. I'm probably the only one who would dodge highschool students trying to keep track of toddlers.

to leave with a clear conscience

Whatever you do or say in service or encouragement to another must be done in sincerity, from the heart, otherwise you are a poser with a nice face.

Ouch.

so most of us know who Katy Perry is...but who is Katy Hudson?

Alright, so I stumbled upon this on a christian website tonight. (No I was not researching Katy Perry!) You know that girl that apparently likes getting drunk and kissing girls? Well 7 years ago on October 23rd 2001, at age 16, she released her first album- into the Christian market, under the name "Katy Hudson". (Her birth name). It was self-titled. She wrote most of the lyrics for the album herself and she was forseen as the next big thing. Little did the Christian music industry critics know she would be the next big thing...in 7 years time, at the very top of the "secular" music charts. As her second single from "One of the Boys" climbs higher you wonder what she's thinking these days. She blames it on her "strict" parents who wouldn't let her listen to "secular" music as a child. Her first introduction to "secular" music was a sleepover with some girlfriends. She says that back then (in 2001) when she made the album she was a good girl and then got tired of it all and by 2004 she was rocking to a different beat. (not precisely her words). Her dad is apparently a pastor and neither him nor his wife really support he latest endeavours. So, out of curiosity I googled "Katy Hudson" and what I found both surprised and saddened me. Not going to lie, I kind of like Katy's voice and to hear her singing some pretty decent "christian" material is pretty cool and weird at the same time...'cause it's the same voice that sings "I kissed a girl and I liked it...". Some of her "Christian" lyrics are worth thinking over. It's traditionally typical Christian, with no content to complain about. I suppose this is a good example of someone who has been two people. The crazy thing is...she's known Him, and that knowledge has got to be in the depths of her heart somewhere and therefore I'm not looking at Katy Perry the same anymore. I do not support her current career path, but she could go running back to the One who she sang so confidently about 7 years ago. It's more than possible.

I've pasted lyrics from her song "Faith Won't Fail" below. (Ironic really.)


VERSE 1 You could throw me in the fire And I won't be burned For my faith is Your desire And Your love endures You could throw me in the prison cell Shackle me up against the rail But time and time again My faith won't fail CHORUS For He'll prevail In the midst of all my trials and tribulations And He'll prevail In the midst of all my sin and temptations He'll prevail When I fall and He will pick me up For time and time again my faith won't fail Time and time again my faith won't fail VERSE 2 You could cast me in the lion's den But they won't harm me For Your grace surrounds me And it sets me free And I can walk upon the water And I will not drown For my eyes are set upon You And no one can bring me down BRIDGE For His angels surround me And You've poured out this blood covering And I will walk and not fail For time and time again my faith won't fail Time and time again my faith won't fail


PS. This article was written strictly by me and all information and content was taken from various websites. My goal is not to "dis" Katy (Perry), but rather write about a shocking sort of situation and show how we can and will change. Also for interest and surprises sake. Because really...did you know Kary Perry used to be someone else?

Dear Mal...

Everytime I think that maybe our friendship is dying, something happens that brings us back together yet again. It's like a new day dawning. Nearly ten years since I met you and we've been through pretty much all. You never give up on me, and I never give up on you. Even when the only place we both show up together is church on Sunday mornings. I still feel like I could trust you with the world. You wrote me a letter this week and confirmed it. With us it's give and take. One's strong to help the other, even if on the inside the "strong" one isn't so strong. Then we show up in the places the other didn't expect it, like last night for instance, 66 kilometers from where I normally see you, I saw you in line and it made my night. You know some of what goes on inside my mind, and I know some off what goes on with you and that doesn't mean we run away, it actually means we build a little more trust. We both write, in different ways, but mostly get it. It's like breathing alone with help along the way. I know this is public, but I wanted you to know. I also wanted others to see how blessed I am, even if they don't know you. As you pray for me, I pray for you. Keep your own head up girl, you can conquor all. Thank you for your ever present support, the offer of your listening ear, shoulder and own experience with life. If I never said it ever, you rock. From the days of being 7 years old to now the days of being 17 (or almost!!) what's important in our lives has changed but that doesn't mean you're less important to me. Nope, actually, more. We don't like all the same things. I don't even text. (yet:P). You go to school, and I do school at home. You work at a store and I work at a daycare. We live in cities next door to each other. Compared to you I'm boy crazy....and really I'm not that bad. You love movies, and I'm just getting into them. Size doesn't matter, and that's cool. Here's you and there's me, but it really just doesn't matter. We have enough similarities to keep life interesting. Like trying to figure out what to do with our lives and seeking God and what He wants and what is this deal anyways? And shopping...our mutual love of life, including shoes. We should do that again sometime soon I think. Thanks Mal, for being there, for the long haul. Thanks for writing poetry and making me think. Thanks for sharing life. I am quite sure this is not the end.

Love, Kathleen

PS. I really like your hair right now.
PPS. I hope you're okay that I said this all out loud.

classical music is never out of style

Internalizing information is like coffee filtering in the early morning. It takes time.
I wonder if if I'm shutting myself away or if I'm actually handling it really well.
These days, shafts of hope spill through my window and life actually seems remotely alive.
I don't want to be ingenuine (that's not a word, but I'm using it).

I've been thinking quietly the last few days.

He'll never see me go to university or college and maybe get a degree and he'll never see me get married or have any great-grand children, and I suddenly realized I really wanted him to be there through it all.
He was always so supportive.
He loved when I played the piano and sang and wrote songs and most of all loved when I played classical music.
He loved how whenever we had big family gatherings I'd be the one getting drinks, serving and entertaining. I was the "hostess with the mostess".
He loved how determined I was about things and how people meant so much to me.

I really don't know what else to say. I'm extremely restless. Till later...

you gotta know...

My friends rock my life.
In every season.

he's gone

...walking the streets that are golden as of 10:15am on 10/15/08.

I'm rather breaking.
I need somebody's shoulder.
I need...I have no idea.

despite

1:02am. Ugh. These days I'm wide awake at night thinking and working and sleepy during the day. Unfortunate really.

Despite everything, today, or rather yesterday, was a good day. I am thankful for pumpkin pie with *real* whip cream, hiking, a brother and his sister OR a sister and her brother with red hair who rock my life, opposites, speaking about nothing, music, turkey and more pumpkin pie, with ice cream the second time around.

I changed my template (again!!) to a classic blogger layout because I wanted to have the option for people to comment and I had spent way more than enough time trying to make the comments option work on the other one. This one's not too bad. It still has most of the same feel I wanted to achieve.

Thank you for your love.

thanksgiving of life

I just need to get this out.

I sat by his bed and held his hand as he gripped me tight. I looked at him lying there, breathing with help, eyes closed, and wondered what he could be thinking. The sun shone through the window and blinded me and brought tears to my eyes. A few fell and I looked quickly away from the rest of my family standing in the room with me, various things rolling through my mind. All of a sudden I heard a sound and turning around saw my grandma entering the room. She put a finger to her lips. I offered her my chair, but she wanted me to keep holding his hand, so she sat on the edge of the chair beside me, just looking at him. A few minutes later she reached over and squeezed his knee. His eyes fluttered open and the smile that spilt his face was one of pure joy, and something else...love. In that moment I was hit by so many emotions I was completely overcome. I just hope that one day someone, whoever they may be will look at me with that same look on their face, full of joy and love, no matter the situation. Then I had to leave, I felt like I couldn't breathe 'cause the tears were choking me up and the lump in my throat was so large I felt slightly dizzy from lack of oxygen. I walked slowly down the hall, and around the corner to where the rest of my family was sitting, immediate and extended. A while later I went back to the room again, to sit with him again. I sit here and type this and tears silently roll down my face as I listen to some worship music. I know the clock is ticking, it isn't long now, unless there's a miracle coming around, because that's what it would take. Only God knows exactly how long it will be. The last thing I did was squeeze his hand and whisper in his ear, "see you later Granddad." I know that I will see him later, whether it be on this earth or in heaven. Oh, and what was he thinking about? My aunt asked him when I had left the room for the first time and he answered with one word: "heaven".

Life needs to be embraced. Tell them you love them, whoever in your life it may be.
It's ironic that this is all happening around thanksgiving, the time when we specifically think about how blessed we are. Sometimes it's difficult to think about how blessed you are when battling pain and anguish. I can't count all the blessings my Heavenly Father has poured upon me, and that's the way God intended for it to be. Too numerous to count, but worthy of thanksgiving to Him.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

(I wish you were here, to be my shoulder to lean on, but I know it's impossible.)

...but God's love is everywhere. Yes.

there's a storm inside of life.

it's here

Okay, I finally reached that point. October hit, and so did the stress. Maybe it's because all of a sudden I had 3 more classes added to my term, which I did know were coming, but I wasn't exactly prepared. Maybe it's because I'm currently living without the presence and support of my parents (5 days to go!). Maybe it's because this morning I called my Grandma to tell her we were doing alright and she told me they were waiting for the ambulence to take my Grandad to the hospital, yet again, so she couldn't talk. Maybe it's because I have a million things to do (or feel like I do) and I have so many other things to do, I can't get those ones done. Maybe it's because I'm in the middle of a situation and I don't want to be here and I don't know how to get out without hurting anyone. Maybe it's because I miss people, a lot and I wish I could see them this second. Maybe it's because I'm now on top of the highschool world and everyone seems to expect more from you up here. Maybe it's because I'm annoyed with some things going on. Maybe it's because I'm feeling intensely pressured to drive. Maybe it's because I'm feeling distance. Maybe it's because I wish it was still summer. Maybe it's because I'm supposed to be deciding what I want to do next year. Maybe it's because my heart is aching over a variety of things and people. Maybe it's because everything is so different. Maybe it's because I'm so tired a lot of the time. Maybe it's because I kinda wish I had some more hours at work. Maybe it's because I'm not trusting God enough. Wait, that is actually probably it. I would get riled up like this. lol. The difference is? I've never been so happy and stressed out. I need to remember Psalm 46:10a.

I'm wearing my camp sweater, that always makes me feel better.
I'm going to the Rockton Fair on Friday, that's always rediculously fun.
I have a lot of people who are making sure I'm still breathing while my parents are away, and I appreciate it a lot.
I have a Almighty Heavenly Father. Thanks be to Him for life and for love.

Ahh, I'll get by.

PS. I'm trying to get a comments box through Haloscan, and I understand how to do it, but where the heck is the layout tab on the dashboard now. This shouldn't be difficult. I'm feeling mildly stupid. Such is life.

I don't get it...

What do you think you're doing?

things pick up

I got tired of the old lay-out. I'm working on a comment box. Reason I say "working" is because it's crazy around here as my parents are leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks out west (Calgary/train tour through Rockies/BC) in celebration of their 25th wedding anniversary. Yeah...jealous much? Therefore my schedule is a lot different than normal; sleeping over at other peoples houses so I can get to school things etc, but then getting home for work. I'm feeling a little crazy, and this morning I woke up sick. Figures, doesn't it?

"Appreciate the goodness of God. Count your blessings. Learn not to take pleasures for granted." J.I.Packer

musing [after midnight]

This post will be understood, hopefully. Tonight I was reminded I treat my blog as rather a public journal and people can't always relate. I could applogize for not being readily understood, but that would probably be silly because this is my writing space and if you really have no interest, you won't read it. I'm still learning to not apologize for stupid things. It's a habit I picked up and I'm still trying to shake it. Alright, so to compensate a little bit, just so you feel like you might understand something, here's the sheet I had to fill out about myself because I was a little shocked to sit there and tell someone who I was. I don't think about me very often. At least in the whole deep inside in the core of my very being me. But, who is me?

Name: Kathleen Margaret (Danielle).
I'm not going to say where I live because I'll never be exactly sure who might be reading my maybe not so inspiring words. (I am slightly afraid of stalkers)
If the house were on fire, besides people, pets and photos I would take my box of notes and letters, because they mean a lot to me.
I would like to live in the city, maybe in a loft.
If I won a trip, I would go...I don't really know. There are so many places I would love to go. I said Paris in class.
If I could go to dinner with someone famous (living or dead) I'd go with Queen Esther.
If I could change the world I would erradicate abortion.
In ten years I would like to be working with children in some capacity.
The symbol I'd select to represent me is...drum roll....a heart. (surprise?)
If I were a car I'd be a Toyota Solara convertible.
My favourite food is Fettichine Alfredo.
My birthday is in June.
I am most thankful for love in my life.
My favourite colour is green.
I become upset when I see people disrespecting each other (in any way really).
The (political) issue I'd never like to hear about again is abortion, because it would be erradicated/illegal/against the law/not cool/untolerable etc.
The time period I'd most like to travel to is the late 1800's, hello big dresses, chivalry, and respect.
My favourite charity is the crisis pregnancy center. One day I want to go there and make a difference.
What I like most about Canada can be considered cliche. Freedom and diversity among us.


I'm bizarre, dramatic on very much purpose sometimes. (Thankfuly I've learned asking for attention with actions is not the way to live life). I'm out there. I won't say the right thing at the right time. I will freak out weirdly and stress when I shouldn't. I judge people. I'm slightly clumsy. I used to be a ballerina. I have been known to be a jerk. I try to please everyone. I can be overbearing. But...I love love deeply. I love to encourage people. I love to love people and tell them that I love them. Something that's considered awkward in this world, so I stray away. I experience great joy at seeing people talk and laugh together. Children are my passion, somehow. I have Bible verses all over my wall and I read them, and try to live them too. I get frustrated I can't be be a better person and I can't say more intelligent things. Above all I love to try to love my Heavenly Father.

Well, there. Not so confusing, maybe you can understand this time. Maybe you understand other times too. I don't know, but that's okay.

(Btw, don't think I'm stressed out that you said that about my blog. It made me think. And, yes, I am talking to a very select audience which is something I do sometimes. Lucky you, eh? You're the target audience for this one bracketted statement.:) Thank you for being you. (like how cliche that was? hehe.))

To the rest who didn't understand the brackett ( I'm not aplogizing...)..if there is a rest...if there's any. Thank you for reading and for living. If I know you, I love you. Okay.

This has been long. Maybe long is best understood

Ending with something intelligent. I'm magic.

...get set...

The first official day of co-op. I feel so very different about this year than any other. Not to mention media arts are not my forte. (Apparently I'll have designed a website by the end of the term...) But I am determined to do the best I can and have some fun. I like that Steve Pypker is teaching the Current Issues course. I know I'm going to enjoy it. Toastmasters is nothing like I expected. I almost feel like it's a joke at this point. Maybe that feeling will pass.

I like how love is boundless. I keep finding it in corners.

My music preferences are expanding rapidly. Added to the list: Death Cab for Cutie (I know, some are saying, "it took you long enough.") I rather enjoy, immensely.

I like how love is boundless. I keep finding it in corners, for you.

Common ground is a very good thing to have for any kind of relationship.

I like how love keeps coming up, I keep finding it in corners, and I never get tired of it.

Sarah told the world today: "Kathleen loves love." True that.

He's true.

trying to ignore it

"Why do you have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you. Must you make me laugh so much? It's bad enough we get along so well." (Imogen Heap-Goodnight and Go)

(This is how it is...)
--
May I never take You, Lord for granted. (Oh, but I do....)
--
How can you bring someone down who is stapled to the clouds?
(This is true...)
This is just for you...my new reader.:P

the scenery was the same, and that's almost it.

Canoe Trip 2008.
The best one for me yet.
A great expanse of water.
Trees all around.
Laughter.
Paddles driving through the water.
18x10 tents.
Rain during the first night.
Snacks.
Acknowleging I'm not the same as I was the last time we did this.
Feeling the difference.
Mist paddling across a section of Gerogian Bay.
Partnering with friends.
Making the "cast iron" canoe move it.
Pwning a portage. AKA: Not doing it. Pushing against the current.
Having to find a different camp site than planned the second night.
It: being beautiul, with logs for benches.
Shoulder/back massages.
Trying to encourage.
Leading devotions.
Getting to know people better.
And for the first time.
Being able to comfortably help tank a canoe.
Realizing the "seniors" are in the minority.
5 of us. 3 guys, 2 girls.
Building another Ebeneezer rock monument.
Swimming in seriously cold water.
Sharing good times.
Falling asleep on the way home.
Shoulders to lean on.
Arriving home in the rain.
Thinking about it all, again.
Loving, again.

Growing Older Groupies: Gordon, Jon, Sarah, Jordan and I, Kathleen.

May we be able to achieve what we are called to do.
I love those other 4 a lot, I'm glad we were friends before, now it just get's better.
Stickin' it together.
But, guess what? We missed you. We talked about you and how it was all different without you people.
Yes.

I'm beginning to feel older.

1 Thess 5: 12-24, especially verses 16,17&18.

the middle

I thought I would be unmoved.

history written

My summer in photos, in no praticular order whatsoever. Abby and I (veryyyy sunny)

Belle!

Tawni!

Jenna! (I know it's slightly out of focus, but she's beautiful)
Sarah!

CJ! (my handsome man!)



Jenna, Sarah, Abby and Tawni<3The Daycare!

oh Campfire!

oh Service Week!

oh Parties!

The most beautiful: Karin

Ryan

Katrina and Karin

Luke and Keith, how dull life would be without them.

Karin and I screaming silently

Karin and I blowing kisses...

Karin and I trying to smile normally

The Red Roses! (D1)

Keith and Ryan! (D1)

Chapel! (D1)

Katie and I (in our matching Gleaner's shirts-SW)

Red Roses chalking up the front porch (D1)

BOYS! (D4)

Rosalie(Waterwings) and I (Harttz) -Co-counselor's! (D4)

Campers! (D4)

Karin came to visit @ D4!

Mel/Mels/Melanie/Zizzle /Zizz and Erica (SW)

Katie, Faythe and I (SW)

D4!

D1!

...But if you never try, you'll never know...

Summer 2008 makes a quiet exit accompanied by fragmented thoughts, music and love. There is so much I could say, but I don't know if I want to say it all out loud.

I did say this, but I know it more everyday, I am not the same: inside out.

I am captivated by You, all over again.

I'm on top, On top of what? I'm a senior. It doesn't feel as old as it looked a mere 4 years ago.

Gone are the days of summer, we couldn't change them if we tried.

I don't want to. Not a day. Not a lesson learned. Not a smile shared. Not a situation handled. Not a frustration expressed. Not a hug shared. Not.

Something beautiful, has taken control of me.

This is just the beginning (again).

Philippians 2:1-18

like we've done so many times before

We sat and talked, it was 1 am, again. This time, 1 am was all different. It is different. It's a new chapter, and a new life. "It could have ended in hate, but what we got left with was some kind of love pulling us through. Hard to imagine if things had been different". Here we go... and this time it REALLY is different, we're not just pretending.

I'm so glad God has a divinely perfect plan and even though I totally don't know what I'm doing, He does. Yeah, I need to say that and believe it over and over again, and then over again.

A new hope and new dreams, for me, for you, for the world.

God is good, ALL the time!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

prone to be out there

D4 is over and done with. In fact there's no more camp this summer. I think my harttz breaking. I learned so much more, and that's one thing I relearned; you are never ever finished learning.
God's plan is rediculously perfect and I don't have to worry at all, 'cause He knows what He's doing even when I totally do not. When will I remember?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I knew it, but now I know it. One told me, at least I was honest about my life and she respected that a lot. You know, I don't even know if I could hide if I wanted to and I'm pretty sure I don't want to. I suppose I'll just keep up being me and let it all hang out sometimes.

You know what I love to do? Encourage people. It has become my hobby this summer. Encouragment is most ardently vital of life. So is love. I'm blessed to have both, to give and recieve.

We sat under the starry sky and you told me the truth...I always heard that the truth is what set's you free, and I know it's true.

one last hug

To say goodbye it breaks your heart, breaks your mind and breaks your emotion.
The danger of people, is you get attached, and then eventually you break apart.
The saying 'savour every moment' is so true, how often we loose sight.
In some ways a part of my died today on the sidewalk as I walked away from them.
It was the last time they would be there and I would be there with them.
Now, it will always be me there and them somewhere else.
This has caused me more pain and tears than anything in a while.
To think they are only almost three, and seven, then thirty four and thirty seven.
One last hug, then they were gone, and I'm again walking, on yet another slightly turned path.

And I am so happy about other things...
What an emotional up and down wreck I am.
God loves to care about these wrecks, and I am eternally greatful for that.

I think I'm falling really fast, and I have an idea of where I want to land. Eeeek.

eyes wrenched open

I am rocked and shaken, and I am very happy.
I have a lot to think about and I can't keep it all contained.
It's all running around in my head and driving me.
What I've seen and what I've done I may never do again.
I would do it again though, if I had the chance.
I want to learn more, but I feel like I might explode if it came in now.
At the back of my mind I say I can't understand, because I haven't "been" there.
I can do my own understanding, I just don't get it like anybody else, like you don't.
When I climbed in my eyes were wrenched open and they watered like crazy.
I just couldn't close them though, I know now.
Give me strength to be what he needs, he believes in me so much.
It's daunting and amazing, and I don't know where this is all headed.
But I'm excited for this new path of people and of mind-set.
Also please God, grant me strength as they take-off.
I'm going to miss them like crazy, but I want to go next February.
I'm blessed beyond words, beyond measure, beyond anything I deserve.
Thank you to many people and thank you Lord.
Your will be done.

-Philppians 2:1-18-

serve with all of your heart

I think I'm ready, but I don't think I'm ready.

(It doesn't help I miss you like crazy.)

I'm outta here!!!

PS. I cannot believe it's going to be August when I get home, this whole time passing thing is insane.

Yellowcard

Till today I did not know this band existed, and I really like them, a lot. I know music is such a controversial subject and you may not appreciate, but I was just instantly impressed so I thought I would share.

I esspecially like the track "Shrink the World", although, I have a few more tracks to listen to yet.

They have a punk/rock kind of sound, I think.

as we go

He always shows up to make me happy. I hope I love Him enough for it, but I know I do not.

We love, because He first loved us.

--

I don't even know if you would understand properly at all.

reaching my heart

Goodnight, sweet dreams, I miss you.

Sometimes, that's what I need to hear. Oh, wait, tonight I did hear it.

They are reaching my heart.
--

This perfume is amazing, I want it more.

This will be posted the same day as the last one, but in mind, it's a totally different day.

frayed ends

As old over -written chapters close and brand new unknown chapters open, there is fear and sadness, accompanied with some joy.

I knew they needed me; I need them. We're fighting the current and feeling the effects of the undertow. "For such a time as this".

Please, be serious, you're losing me in that maze of yours; seriously.

love is patient

Here I am once again at the end of another week of camp. A very different week of camp. After pulling 15 hour days, growing more in awe of my Savior and learning lots, I am full of His presence in my life. I had the the priviledge and great frustration of leading seven, mostly eight year old's, along with my co-counsellor who was also a CIT. Fortunately we hit it off and are now great friends. We bumped along figuring it out as we went. It was an incredible week. I met some truly amazing people. also serving as counsellor's. I was inspired by them, encouraged by them and I came away from the week with many new friends, praticularly one. It's amazing when you go somewhere and all around is the goodness of the Lord. You're in this little box full of blessings. Devotions, chapel, singing all the time, conversations on worship, the Holy Spirit and more, CPD's (Cabin pack devotions) and encouragement. I rather wish "real" life was like that; full of God all the time. It's our choice.
Our King came to serve us, not to be served.

These verses were a part of my experience:

I had a part of this verse in my head all week and I didn't have time to sit down and figure out where it was until I got home. The part I had in my head is in bold.

"Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything , to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place."--Ephesians 6: 13, 14.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves, is born of God and knows God" -1 John 4:7

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." -Galatians 5: 22, 23

"...Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead... -Philippians 3: 13b

"Finally brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or recieved or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you"- Philippians 4:8,9.

I have sad news weighing on my heart, but that's for next time, I really want to revel in the blessings.

I've been moving in a new direction

For what it's worth, your life can change in a week. You can find freedom.

Braeside (Camp) was an insanely wonderful experience. It was stretching, and at times very tiring, but, such good times. It kind of threw me back to when I was 7 and attending a different church in Hamilton. A lot of the people at the camp are from my old church. I actually reconnected with a girl I was in Sunday school with eleven years ago! It makes you remember who you were, and who you are now.

He made me think that he's amazing; which he is.

Something's going on...

into dusk

An urban campground can still give you the distinct impression of being 100 kilometers away from your home. I pumped my way to the sky as the sun disspeared below the horizon. The chains hurt my palms I was grasping them so hard. I threw back my head, closed my eyes and just breathed. There were no other requirements, I could just -be. And enjoy the moment. I've always had the opinion that dusk is a moment worth reveling in.

--
I enjoyed having the entire house all to myself for 2.5 days. I really did.
--
that's quite a show...

not me and me

I went to the Region head office. I was fairly friendly, taken for 22 years of age, had the "priviledge" to speak to Elvis, was as helpful as possible, and filmed Canada's Handyman- Shawn Monteith, while he did a 45 minute demo/talk. Yeah, me. (:P)
A long day, but totally worth the experience. I'm getting used to 30 and 40 something year olds looking at me with disdain. Though, it doesn't bother me much...'cause there's a few more from the same age group that think I'm the best thing ever. It's a very different kind of love. Yeah, actually they love me so much they took me out to dinner. I feel like I'm becoming part of the family and I love it. This is actually the same family that I babysat for last weekend. Oh, and just to clarify...I associate with them through the daycare, babysitting, volunteering and random other things....it's really only church that's left....hmm.

Here I am, getting reaquainted with me, and people I haven't really considered for a long time.

when you're changing on the the inside and you don't even really know how...

oh, to let go.

I have this fabulous opportunity on Friday to go to the Halton Region head office and go to a bunch of meetings and meet people in high positions with big ego's as well as represent youth and celebrate senior's. I'm going. Slightly intimadating, but also exciting. Goodness, I'm priviledged.

Maybe I'll run for Miss Burlington...

don't rain on my parade

Oh joy, oh fun, oh freedom, oh responsibility, oh respect...oh acceptence.


I was engaged to go downtown Burlington to Spencer Smith Park for the Sound of Music Festival to babysit the past president of the festival's girls, Friday night and alllll day Saturday. Well, let me tell you it was some of the most fun I've had in a longgggg time. I got VIP access to the sponser tent, Free carnival tickets, free food- which was catered by my favourite restaurant in the world, plus the rest of my food was paid for, I was paid, anddddd a dream that was born, was fulfilled less than an hour after it was born....I got to go in the parade. Chya!! I was on the back of a golf cart at the back of the parade with all these important people and got to wave at hundreds of people lining the streets. Prettyyyy incredible. At first I was like "what the heck?" and then I got into the swing of it, and loved every second. Being a babysitter definately has it's benefits, and I'm not even joking. The best part? When the children love you back, so much so, they want to hold your hand all the time, no matter if their parents are there...or not. It is such an awesome priviledge. I'm so in love with my job. My passion is confirmed. Ahhh...this feeling rocks my world. I just wish you could understand, 'cause I'd gladly share my deep joy.

Excuse me, I have to go get ready to go to a 6 year old's soccer game...

a tiara for a crown

Okay, it's not all very clear to me at all.

Sarah is rather alright; she has a minor concussion and they have to watch her closely for the next couple days to make sure she's on the right track. I just want to hold her and kiss her.

I've entered a new chapter. I like it and I don't, and I think it might get lonely later on. The world looks to you because you're 17 and you're still young, but at an age you can do so much. They expect you to do a lot. Yesterday I recieved another birthday card and on the front this is what it said :
"You know when you were a little kid and wanted to grow up to be something special?" (Flip the card open) "You did." I can't be here. I'm NOT done growing up, I can't be. "Kafaleen, 17 is so old", a little girl says to me. I said "No, it's not old, I'm still a kid, really. Officially for one more year." If I'm supposed to be an 'adult' in one year, I have a lot to do. A lot. There will be laughter and there will be tears; moving at the speed of light. I miss...

it's all very clear to me

I'm 17. Seventeen. Brittni's right, it is a pretty word.
I adore my friends from the very bottom of my heart. I'm so blessed, I can't even begin.
My birthday was wonderful. Shopping, food, dancing and friends- what more do you need?

I have a lot of decisions to make in the coming year, it's going to be fun and exhilerating as well as daunting. I'm trying to have faith. I have a lot of questions too, about tons of different things. I guess it's good though, it means I'm not staying in one place. Too bad some questions can't just be answered straight out. Hmmhm. I also want a lot. Some things I could have tomorrow...other things will take time, but that's alright, it's beautiful -very beautiful.

I guess not everything lasts...today was a bad day. Ha. Yeah. I was super tired from partying til late last night and then I experienced something that just sucked all my emotional energy as well. As most of you know I work at a daycare which is basically my passion of life. I mean it was my birthday yesterday and I got the day off and I was just bouncing around the house and I really missed work and "my kiddies" and so I called my employer...who is more my friend then my employer and I went over for half an hour. Haha. Yeah, call me weird, I don't mind. So today I was officially working and we were outside getting ready to go to the park and one of little girls got a head start on the rest of us and I called her back, so she turned and came back. Well on her way she tripped and fell and slammed her head into the sidewalk. Well, you know what comes next. Tears and screaming. I'm pretty immune now. So we got her some ice and she settled down and we went to the park. I put her in the swing 'cause she loves it and was pushing it along with a couple other kiddie's and suddenly I realized she had fallen asleep... And warning bells went off in my head. So I took her out and sat with her on the bench and talked to her and sang to her and jiggled her and she was not responding very well and she just wanted to sleep on my shoulder and the noise of the park was bothering her. And when I asked if her head hurt, she just nodded and lay her head back down. By then I was kind of freaking out inside, so we quickly got the the rest of them together and rushed home and tried to call her parents, no answer. And she wasn't perking up, very lathargic, and she wouldn't talk to us, which is the complete opposite to the Sarah that usually rushes around with a smile on her face talking a mile a minute. So after a few minutes it was decided that I would take her over to her dad's work which happens to be a 3 munute walk from the day care. It also happens to be where I volunteer at BINGO every Monday, so I know it very well. So I walked over with her in my arms, singing all the way 'cause I totally didn't want her to fall asleep. By that point I was going into a critical state of concern, and I felt like I was in an different universe. Like the kind where you have a limited amount of time to solve the problem or get somewhere, you know? I got to Creekway and went in and dealt with the very snobby receptionist. Then I rused upstairs by way of the elevator. I delivered her to her dad and she still wasn't talking and all she wanted was to cuddle. So a nurse came in and checked her out and they made the decision to take her to the ER to have her checked out. So Sarah's dad called her mom and then we went and got in the van and I gave her a juice box which she took pretty well to fortunately. He dropped me off at the daycare and then I went inside and had to make lunch and look after the rest of the kiddie's. This afternoon I also had the after-school shift so I went back and all Judy knew was that they were still in the ER and Sarah's sister had been picked up from school by Nanny. So, at this point, I have no idea what's going on, whether it's a concussion or hairline fracture or anything and I'm just very very drained and tired, and I can't concentrate on anything and I have to do an emergency babysitting job tonight, and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. I'm so worried about my little sweetheart.

I probably didn't need to blog this, but I'm really wound up drained, if that makes sense.

I had a really sweet birthday though. Almost everything: from the cards to the amazing cake my friend made to the laughter and hugs, it was joyous.

This is life-all over the place. Haha.

Much love.

sweet indeed

This is the last full day I will ever be "sweet 16". Oh, it just goes so fast. It would be easy to try to cling to 16, but 17 is imminent so I'll take a step, even when the battle for my heart and mind and soul, and actions and words is not over.

What about sweet 17? I think so.

fortunately, God isn't a computer

I tried to upload a picture and it sent me an error message and wouldn't let me proceed.

I'm so glad that my God doesn't send me error messages. Even when I'm doing it all wrong, He let's me keep going and helps me figure out what's going on, so everything, eventually, uploads properly, one way or another.

This isn't what I was originally going to say, but that other thing can wait.

PS. This will post with God in lower case letters. Please imagine it with an upper case "G".

typical, mixed up

Often we lose sight of why we're doing what we're doing.

We also lose sight of who we are, and what we've become; who we're becoming.

We lose sight of what we are living for; what is the goal.

We lose sight of when we decided to live for, what we are living.

We also lose sight of where we are going, and where it is.

We lose sight of how we got here, how we keep breathing.

It's mechanical.

breathing deeply. burning muscles. tears. the sound of shoes hitting the cement. joy. getting it all out there. it feels good.

2

Deary me, as I read my post again in the format of my blog I saw the date and realized I have been blogging for 2 years today. I do not know how I remember these things, but I do. I need not say anything about my enjoyment of blogging, I think it is fairly evident. :-)

I must say [this dance]

In the dead of the night, last night, after a wonderfully happy cast and crew party; these lyrics spilled through my head over and over again. So I wrote them down, and now I'm putting them here. It's quite intimate I must say.

Can I have this dance forever
Can I waltz with you every day
Will you guide me through the footwork
Spin me out and bring me back in
Will you hold me in your arms
Lead me strongly on

I rather feel like it is a "chorus" for some song that must be brewing inside me somewhere. Oh, and before you think I've fallen into the pit of earthly romance without so much as backward glance or word of warning, I must also say it is a love song to Jesus. Go read it again.

Although...I must say yet again that this would be an incredibly romantic thing for a guy to say to the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with. At least, that's what I think.

everybody dance now

Last week I made a list. One thing on the list that my blogger friend Bekah actually pointed out was "break to find beauty".

I did it. When I went away this weekend, I prayed that God would break me to find beauty, and He did it.

The theme was "new". I was thinking about that word. This is my own definition: new- the beginning of something different. It is. It's like breathing out brand spanking new air. Or waking up refreshed. I love God moments.

I threw away one of the deepest, darkest corners of my life on Saturday night. Or at least I tried to. I have no guarantee I'll 100% succeed, but I'm told I'm not alone. It was a dark corner that no other soul knows about, but it has turned into a corner of healing Light.

I am a pillar of marble and rock, beautiful and stately. I stand at the corner of people's lives. Sometimes, I don't know why I stand there, but I have a purpose for being there. I am strong.

God looked at us, and he said: "it is very good".

Everybody dance now.
--
So, you get spun out into a different rhythm and you find out this beat is harder dance to, but there's only a new spotlight you can spin into.
--
I do not understand, and I don't pretend to understand but here is my statement: I'll be your friend.
--
Cry any kind of tears all you want, it will get you places.
--
In case I ever forgot to tell you: I love you.
--
I'm waiting, as patiently as possible....

a friendship party

So, as Carol-Lee has inspired me to greater heights:

What are people doing on Victoria Day?
Would you like to have a impromtu party of sorts?
Like at the Burlington Waterfront?

--

I have some new jewels, and oh, they hurt.

I used to rule the world

So, in other words, if you feel like it, I kind of was hinting at, and sort of wondering, if you wouldn't mind, if you wanted to....call me? Or send me an email or I don't know, something! :P

I'm actually not talking to anyone inpraticular, by the way. Though it would be strange if you figured out my phone number and called me and I didn't know you.... anyways, you can tell I'm a little not altogether, so I guess, call at your own risk. It also explains why I'm posting stuff that doesn't have much meaning on my blog. You can only pay attention to yourself for so long.:P

SIGH.
I'm glad I decided to be honest. I feel better.

I love you.

THE END.

kind of

I'm kind of depressish. Not really, but sorta. I'm kind of lonely too. I guess you could say I'm in withdrawel. I'm getting back to the seriousness of school and it's kinda of crazy. I miss people, probably you. I told myself this time I wouldn't fall into this kind of pit, but I guess it was kind of inevitable. I'm good though, I think. But I think it would kinda lift me up a little if I had some interaction with a smiling face...or voice, that I loved.

--

I got this sweet new system for my room. iPod docking system, CD player, clock and radio all in one. It's pretty amazing. It even came with a remote, so I don't have to move my lazy self to change it or anything while I work away at my school. Ha. What incentive to work harder.:P

--

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Or is it in your head? Or merely in the heightened emotion of being seperated for a time?

--

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new chapter. I'm feeling: yes and no, thank you.

on we go

It took me forever to fall asleep last night. Something like 2:35 am is when it happened. Another chapter has closed, actually a few different chapters. Things are going to be different. I feel it deeply. People will remain, but differently. I'm going to grow to new heights, heights I only imagined, three years ago. It's going to be a whole new adventure. I thought about a lot while I was trying to relax. I cried too, and I got play make-up all over my pillow case. Oh well, it's better out in the open anyways.

A list, for me, but for you, if you need it:

1) remember to take yourself with you
2) keep chasing the light
3) always reach
4) if you love them, why don't you let them know, doesn't matter how.
5) cultivate a more adventurous attitude
6) let go even more
7) listen to music that makes you think
8) kick the cobwebs out of the closet (of your mind)
9) lay it down, at your Heavenly Father's feet, everything
10) break to find beauty
11) be a true friend
12) stand tall
13) be proud of your friends
14) never let go
15) try not to bad mouth people, gah, it's tough
16) keep golden memories close
17) remember to love people and life.

All in His time.

YP's tonight. Oh, joy!

this end

One more night.
I'm feeling pretty emotional.
I might cry tonight and I'm not apologizing, if I remember.

I want to give my best, my all.

If something seems perfect, is it actually perfect? Or does it just seem that way, because I want it to be perfect, or other people around me make it seem perfect?

I've changed a lot recently.
I don't care to admit some things. Hmm.

Today's bright moments are tomorrow's fond memories.

pulsing

I am soooooo excited for the next 3 days. Oh boy.
My heart is beating really hard and in my head I keep playing the scenes over and over again.
--
We are made in His image.
--
Now and forever, I love.

voices raised in love

AOC 2008 has gone down in the history books. Sadly, it goes so fast and it's hard to take in everything. This was definately my best year yet. Coffeehouse was amazing; I have so many talented friends. The music was altogether beautiful. My favourite being "A Clare Benediction". Square Dancing was rediculously fun, I really wish we could do it more often. Hanging out with friends and new friends and meeting new people...it's crazy and wonderful. Devotions were so good in my group. Just being around people of like-mind for a couple days is entirely refreshing.
My best memories:
Playing Hallelujah from Shrek while my friend Jordan sang during the Finale!
Luke, Jon and Keith singing Blessed Be Your Name with Carol-Lee and Ben accompanying them during Coffeehouse and the Finale! Made me cry both times. I like tears of love and joy.
Square Dancing. So much fun.
When my dear friend sat me down and was honest with me about someone because he loved me....and the way he wanted to protect me. Then the assistance my other dear friend was willing to lend. (:P)
Worship time on Thursday night.
What people wrote on my teal folder. Makes me feel so loved.
When the guys and girls came to sing altogether for the first time.
Devotions. Carol-Lee and Samuel were amazing leaders.
The rain...dancing in it with my arms thrown wide.
Realizing how much I love God and how much more I have to learn.

I always come away from AOC feeling full and ready to go at life again. I feel like I've got spiritual energy pumping through every part of me.

This week is the play. 1837: The Farmer's Revolt. I've been challenged this year, encountering some things I either didn't expect or didn't know how to handle. Like handling a rifle...among other things.... It's all for good though, and for learning and stretching, and it's super exhilerating. I'm rather looking forward to it.

For the record: I'm going back to braces, starting in the next month. I'm resigned to it, and it's easier this time 'cause I've been here before. Sigh.

I'll see you around. don't forget to love.


(Happy Birthday Carol-Lee! I am so glad I know you.)

do not pass judgement on one another

I'm afraid that occassionally I am crippled by judgement on people. Like at OCHEC for instance.

My entire weekend was spent with 1 girl and 4 guys. Oh how genuine a weekend it was. "That was the best and most fun OCHEC ever." "I really appreciate girls who aren't superficial" "We can just hang out and be real!" "You guys (girls) are so different from a lot of them."

Who knew someone could change so radically in a year? Only because of circumstances they encountered in that year. At first glance they look the same, but they're not. I realized as he told me one story that time really does pass, and time passing changes people: sometimes for the worse, but hopefully for the better.

Our society states that outside appearance is everything. The Bible states that God looks at the heart. If you push away the jet black (I think it's) emo style haircut and look past the black and red clothing, you see a beautiful heart, with boundaries and hopes and dreams, an amazing smile, and a tender personality.

A friendly face in the crowd makes all the difference. It makes one stand out. Isn't it wonderful to feel cherished, even if you only see each other once or twice a year. Not in the instant crush sort of way, but the siblings in Christ sort of way. He has an incredible heart.

I don't know how to explain this guy. He's just cool. He forgot my name, but tried to remember, over and over again. He is so sweet and his smile is so encouraging.

She was glued to my side, and I was glued to her the whole weekend. Everywhere we went, we went together. She's a sweetheart. Everyone looks at her as they pass because she exudes this joy and happiness that's so lost in this world. I love her more all the time- we've got a lot in common.

Me- I like getting out of what I know every day and doing something different. Hanging out with different people and being real, and genuine and transparent and talking about things that actually matter in life, so it feels like it was worth my time. I hope people can see that I'm trying my best.

Then going back to the crowd I see almost every week and that I love deeply and doing something fun like dressing up in movie character costumes and eating dinner all together.-It's like sighing contentment.

Just a side thought: If your relationship is comfortable, then the situation, no matter how awkward can be dealt with. Love perseveres.

(Hopefully will add photos in the near future to this post).

drama

I love being outside and looking up and feeling the light and warmth on my skin.

I think that sometimes this is all very pathetic and we should all make a bigger effort to not be so dramatic about life. But if there was no drama, what life would this be? And life without drama would be boring. I just really dislike the kind of drama, when people get hurt and are misunderstood, or misunderstand or realize things that have been hidden from them. Or when they're caught in the middle and there's not much they can do. I'm speaking for myself...but I know in my heart I'm also speaking for a lot of people. I like the drama of life when it's joyous, like when people get enagaged; you can embrace it with open arms. Often we think drama is confined to a literal stage. Well, life is a stage and there's a drama playing right now: good, bad, sad, emotional, joyous or any mood. It's a production in progress, ultimately written by you and God.

I really enjoy resolution. I also like actually observing good times and amazing people and acknowledging it all, not just letting it pass me by.

He is so faithful. Oh, yes indeed.

running through the sunshine

Wearing just a t-shirt and jeans I ran across a soccer field, small hands grasping mine. The sun beat down and warmed my whole being. Laughter echoed all around me, birds twittered and the breeze gently whipped my hair against my face. We reached the end of the field and swung ourselves around the soccer goal post. It felt so good to just be out in the open with no layers of clothing or fear or regret burdening me. We ran to the side of the field to the bench which is there for soccer teams. Both little girls wanted to walk across it so one fearlessly leapt up and practically ran along it. The other looked at me and said “No me do it without you Kathaleen!” Holding her hand, I guided her along the bench to the other side. When we reached the end I picked her up and whirled around congratulating her on her success. She decided she wanted to do it again, so she ran back to the other end and crawled up on the bench. “No me do it, need help!”. I said “You try it by yourself! I know you can do it” Hesitantly she pulled herself up into a standing position and walked slowly toward me. Within the last 4 feet she beamed and threw herself straight into my waiting arms. “Me do it Kathaleen! Me do it!” “I hugged her and congratulated her again before she squirmed out of my arms and decided she wanted to do it again. About ten more times did she get back up on the bench and walk across it, each time with less fear than the time before. Each time did she throw herself into my arms declaring herself a success, which indeed she was. Then we left the bench and ran back across the field to the playground with the sun beating down on us, warming me through filling me with hope, joy and an insurmountable sense of beauty.

Out of this true story a lesson I have been in the process of figuring out became concrete in my mind.

We say we can’t do it (life) alone, which is true. As long as there’s a hand holding ours walking beside us, we’re fine. We can survive. But as soon as the comforting grasp beside us is more distant or steps away we freak out declaring we cannot take another step without it. God guides us a little further and then says “try it on your own, I’m still here waiting a little ways down the “bench” for you to throw yourself into my arms.” So we try it and it works…as long as we know He’s still there. The more we walk “the bench” the more fearlessly we can walk it. Does this decrease our need for God to be standing further along, waiting for us? No! We might need Him more than we thought we needed Him before. Now that we’re walking faster, falling will hurt more, physically and emotionally. We’ve grown so accustomed to walking this way that we turn a blind eye to the fact there are some "rocks" that have appeared on “the bench”. We’ve lost some perspective on the way we’re going, what we’re doing and saying and who we are as a person…and we’ve forgotten the hand waiting for us to hold onto; we walk or run right past it. So we fall and we hurt ourselves and we cry out for God to come and get us so He helps us back onto the bench and we take a few hesitant steps while we try to clear the air and set everything back on track, abandoning ourselves again to His grasp. --Then we say those words 'No me do it!" and do the same thing all over again. Aren't we brilliant? We have an incredible heavenly Father.


I had blood work and another test done today. I will receive results in a minimum of two weeks.

“Thy will be done”.

Go, run through the sunshine, and enjoy it! :)

pineapple juice

....tis lovely. It provides great entertainment for children to watch you "attempt" to cut a pineapple...or mutilate it.:P The juice also gives your skin acidic reaction bumps which are fun to study. (I have no idea how to cut a pineapple properly...someone care to teach me?)

Today was a truly beautiful day. As I was leaving Tawni came running to me "You have to leave?" "Yeah, I have to leave". 'Oh.*sad face*...hug?" I gave her a hug. "No...kiss-kiss too!!" I kissed her and she kissed me back. Finally, my handsome man (the 3 year old one) acknowledges that that he is "my handsome man" and actually smiles about it and says he's good when I ask "how's my handsome man?". Jenna comes flying in from school ; yelling "KATHALEENNNN!" and throws herself at me. Abby comes and wraps herself around my waist because she just felt like it....oh and she wants a wheel-barrow (my specialty) and I pick up Sarah and hold her tight as she hugs me forever. -- I am in love.

I bought a book. "The Complete : Life's Little Instruction Book" 1,560 Suggestions, Observations and Reminders On How To Live A Happy And Rewarding Life. It's extremely fascinating, I've already learned some things, like:

812. Don't be thin-skinned. Take criticism as well as praise with equal grace.
and
331. Live your life as an exclaimation not an explaination.

I fully intend to share this wisdom with you all.

I love strength and courage.
I love the faithfulness of my Father in heaven
I love deeply.

I love pineapple juice.

the next stage

I got angry today. I didn't want to.
I can't really figure it out and there's a lot I want to say but I can't 'cause it's wrong and it's not God centered.
I'm fighting some sort of fight.
I went there today and prayed over it and I felt somewhat refreshed.
I have new found joy though.

She said the right thing.

Yeah, I have to be honest.

Yesterday was lots of fun. I have a lot of things to say, but not right now.

any other way

AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.
I need a very high mountain top right now, so I can go and pour out my soul to my Father. I suppose since it's raining, my room will have to do. But maybe I should go out in the rain.

I am so sorry, I never...I always thought...I'm sorry.
I'm angry. Angry at myself for not knowing myself very well.

What is gain? That we have all the attention our selfish hearts desire or that we live thoughtful lives endeavouring to serve others and build them up?

My mind is so full it feels like it's overflowing. I feel really stiff like if I move something worse will happen.

Here I thought I was mostly a good friend...I feel so plastic right now.

I am more hurt for my friends than hurt for myself. Myself I can deal with. My friends, well they have their own decisions to make and emotions to follow through on or not. We all have to choose for ourselves

Friends have always been important to me, it's a large part of the reason I love life. It let's me down then when I think I've abused that important part of my life.

I won't be perfect. Ever. But, I will change things, one step at a time. That's my promise and I have someone to keep me accountable.

If I had been faced any other way I'm fairly sure I'd be uber frustrated and angry right now.
It's a good thing we have people who know us well enough to know exactly how to face us with our lives. That is courage.

"No matter what though, we still love you and we'll give you as many chances as you need".

Oh God...

I'm sorry.
Please, let me try again.
I have some things to do and people I need to talk to.
I also have an idea, and I think it's a really good one.

I hope I love you the way you deserve it.

It's not about changing you, it's about changing what you do.

one answer

Sunshine in my hair. It hit me in choir.

My soul will make its boast in God, for He has answered all my cries, His faithfulness to me is as sure as the dawn of a new day.

It hit me. He'll answer all my cries....or questions, just, maybe not today.

That in itself is a question answered.

I'm comforted by that.
And friendship.