flying up high

(I shall continue in a similar way from yesterday.)

A splash of colour across blue, a cloud of darkness overshadowing beauty. I want to soar like a bird, high into the wide expanse we call sky. Feel the wind on my face, feel freedom and chains broken. Feel overwhemingly joyful and lift my voice high. Closing my eyes, I want to feel every emotion fall over me and let the negative roll off my back. Flying up high, I want to look at everything from a new perspective and not see it as bad, but see its potential. To sigh and laugh and think lovely thoughts: about sunshine just above my head and smiles and sincerity, proper respect for others and appreciation. Diving into the sky with no fear, trusting myself in a way I think impossible. Self control as I climb and passion to succeed, and honesty beyond all measure. Encouraging words for even those I don't get along with. Love that destroys all known boundaries. A heart full and ready to serve as asked. Trust that doesn't end in weakness. Gentleness that comes and overshadows harshness. Lips that want to praise my Maker every moment. I want to see and feel and drink everything in. I want acknowledge every little good thing that happens. Every loving word people say; remember it all and keep it safe locked away in a big old trunk, and when I'm feeling down, open it up and hear the words and feel the hugs and see the smiles. I feel it still, the emotion I felt yesterday... I wonder when it will go away? I asked myself if I was in love.; but I'm not. I asked myself if I was infatuated; but I'm not. I asked myself many things, and I didn't find answers. I'll keep searching, I'll keeping trying to fly and please let me fall so far into somewhere. I'm not sure if I'm done yet.

falling into somewhere

Grey skies, colourful walls, silence and music. Cold,warmth, coziness and hostility. Shivers run down my spine and I just want to fall, fall very far, but not very hard. I want to fall, so I land on softness and more happiness. I want to lie there and drink in kind words and beauty. I want to imagine eyes staring into my soul and hearts united in unrequited love. I want to see people change for the better. Give when I could get, Laugh, when I could cry. Cry because it's incredible. I want to lie there and dream of houses full of light where everyone is welcome and there is peace and harmony. Oh to know the things I long to know truly, but to discern the things that are hateful gossip. To be in a place where lips curve into smiles, where hands are held, not possesively but with compassion and kindness. A place where a kiss on the cheek was not taken for something much different then how it was intended, simply a gesture of love and appreciation. To fall, far down into this place and then realize I never want to go back to how life actually is. I feel full of something, and I don't know what. I feel it and it cannot be defined, I look at people and I feel it, and I look at my computer screen and I feel it. Ellusive, yet lovely and begging to be known. I feel so far away, yet right close to where I want to be. Colour and light and dullness and dark. How I long to be, how I long to see. Empty to full. Gentleness. Eyes sparkling, a new reality. Is it possible to love so much, you are not loving anymore? Oh, I think not, there is just more. I want to love with real love, not selfish and worn. Not just pretty words written upon a page or flowers standing in a vase, I want to value them for who they are, actually and completely, not some made up illusion. Non-assuming and strong. Oh to know how to love the way love is meant to be shown. Only Jesus knows how love really is. Falling, smiling, into softness, lying there and laughing and thinking and praying and knowing. I could just go on and on and on because there is more, but for now this is the end.

bits of my heart

I'm pretty sure something no short of blinders have been peeled away from my eyes and now I'm beginning to see, truly see, like I haven't see before, in more situations than one.

I'm also angry. Angry because someone's being left behind and I love them and I love the person whose leaving them behind. I don't think this is right. Yes we all change, but how can we forget so easily? Sadness.

I love love. I am in love with love.

People are my passion. I realize this more and more all the time. Especially children.

Sigh.

child-like

When I was four years old, my best guy friend at the time, (who will go unnamed:D) proposed to me. We were in a vehicle sitting beside each other on the bench seat and he turned to me and smiling his sweet smile, he said "Kathleen, one day, we're going to get married". My response? "Okay!" I smiled matter of factly. I remember it clear as day and every once in a while think about it. Young children are so accepting of life. Their love is pure and unconditional. I think that when we sing and talk about being like a child, we should pay more attention. These days young children are talked about as annoying and in the way and a hassle. I think that we should be observing these young lives more closely and maybe learning a thing or two. Working in a daycare has taught me so much. Not just trivial things, but lessons that we need to learn, sometimes over and over again. I've been taught about love, and acceptence. Care and concern. Discipline and instruction. There's so much that I'm learning in a simple activity of teaching some children colours and numbers. I wouldn't trade this for anything. Their love is incredible and we all need that child love and to give that child love. It's crucial. It's the same as faith. Child like faith, daunting, yet when God calls, neccessary.

Oh...I'm sure you're wondering about my friend and I. Well, life has obviously passed and we barely see each other anymore unfortunately. I miss him every so often, usually around the time I remember the proposal. He's changed, I've changed. I don't even know if he remember's that. If he did, he'd go bright red and look away until he saw my smile and then he'd grin and we'd see the young friend in each other for just a moment. Our personalities were and still are so different. Compared to him I'm very outgoing, while he's shy. Way back when, during the days of Sunday School. He wouldn't go unless "his best friend Kathleen" was there. At the time, I just felt like it was my "call" in life to make sure he was comfortable and happy, now I look back on that and smile. We were completely opposite two peas in a pod and I loved him. I still love him...who wouldn't love someone after 15 years of knowing eachother. I highly doubt I'll marry him though. Wow, thinking about that, it would be quite amusing. Although....when we played house and did the nativity story he was always Dad or Joseph and I was Mom or Mary. We fit the descriptions perfectly according to our siblings.:P Gotta love children. I do.

love you,
Kathleen

Dedicated to "you" my friend who won't read this, but thank you for teaching my about love and friends from a very early age.

november 13th newsletter

ever had the thought...."I've got to keep it together" echo through your head? yeah? me too. and it happens way too often. I think that's a big part of the "problem". I'm so busy screaming "keep it together" at myself, I fall apart worse then I would or even not.

so, presently I am doing fairly well. I'm just thinking of some stuff I could be doing and thinking about somebody, actually several are currently filtering through my head. I'm also thinking how it would be lovely for there to be more than 24 hours in a day with added sleeping time as well as more time to work and get stuff done. I'm also thinking it might be nice to go out with a friend..or even better, have a party. I'm thinking of planning a christmas party. It's just kind of in the back of my mind, just sitting there, I don't know what I'm going to do about it.

photography is fun. just don't put me under (too much) pressure to get it done and it's really super interesting.

I was looking at university/college options on the weekend at a christian university/college fair in Niagara. I went with the mentality I was going to stay chill and not feel any pressure; because some of the reps for the schools certainly know how to talk a good game. Mhmmmm.
I think I know what I want to do...but then I keep finding myself questioning myself. Oh well, I have 14ish months before I need to have a full out panic attack.:P

life calls.

all my love,
Kathleen

There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear. -1 John 4:18a

I look around

I look around and I see walls.
Walls of pain and hurt.
Walls of regret.
Walls that threaten to close in.

I look around and I see faces.
Faces masking emotion.
Faces hiding in the darkness.
Faces smiling the best they can.

I look around and I see hearts.
Hearts breaking in a million pieces.
Hearts weighed down with many burdens.
Hearts that are empty, with nothing left.

I look around and I see feet.
Feet running as fast as they can.
Feet headed in the wrong direction.
Feet dragging.

I look around and I see eyes.
Eyes that stare straight ahead.
Eyes that have lost their life.
Eyes that are tired of looking so hard.

I look around and I see hands.
Hands that rest limply at one's side.
Hands that grasp at the air.
Hands that hold many things.

I look around and I see you.
You who is breaking inside.
You who needs some real love.
You who needs a breath of air.

"Free yourself from the chains that enring your neck, O captive daughter of Zion"-Isaiah 52:2b

This is for many people, including myself.
There's an old saying that goes, "the truth wil set you free".
I need God more than ever before.
He's doing some crazy things.
Healing and helping, breaking me and teaching me things.
I just want to keep looking up even though I keep getting knocked down again.
I'm not steady on my feet.
Thank goodness I serve a God who will keep picking me up even when I think I can't get up anymore.
He's my only hope.


I love you more than before.
That's all I can say.

like art

if there is anything better than to be loved, it is loving.

I'm changing the concept.

How I'll "paint" it.

What angle I'll go at it from.

Oh yeah.

This is going to be good.

I've already started.

I can see.

Oh yeah.

*listen to some hip hop piano techno beats*

they are prety much amazing.

in reality, a dream of reality and reality

I miss someone incredibly. I haven't seen him in I think, 2 and a half years now and every so often I miss him so much, and right now is one of those times. We were basically best friends. I remember how we'd talk all the time. Other people couldn't stand him. I loved him. We argued about stuff, but we'd always end up seeing each other's point of view. We talked about faith, and God and life and I respected him so much. I kind of know where he is, but not really. I miss him, like you wouldn't believe. If I could find him he would talk to me; he would help me muddle things out. Oh gosh, I miss him.

--

He took her by the shoulders and looked into her eyes. " You need to chill"; his words shot down her spine. "I don't like what I'm seeing, why are you doing this?" he asked her concern rising in his voice. 'I have to " she whispered. 'No, you don't, you're going to kill yourself." She looked down quickly. "I can't let you go" he said 'I won't". She looked back up to see a look of determination on his face. "I'm not letting you go." he repeated and then gathered her in his arms and hugged her while she began to cry; she let the tears run down her cheeks and onto his shoulder as she burried her face in his light brown hair. "You can't save the world beautiful, if you can't even save yourself, you should know that. You can't take the weight of the world upon your shoulders, even though you have a heart that yearns to do just that." "I knowwww.butt..." she let the sentence trail off startled by his endearing passionate words . He continued on,"Don't try so hard, people love you even if you can't solve their problems." "I love you, why can't you understand that, why do you doubt so much?" "I don't know" she shook her head, eyes filling with tears again, "I just don't know. "

--

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil: cling to what is good.
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.
Honour one another above yourselves.
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the LORD.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.

Romans 12:9-12

It's a lot to aspire to, but it's beautiful.

where the heck am I?

Coldplay "Square One": You're in control, is there anywhere you wanna go? You're in control, is there anything you wanna know? The future's for discovering The space in which we're travelling From the top of the first page To the end of the last day From the start in your own way You just want somebody listening to what you say It doesn't matter who you are It doesn't matter who you are Under the surface trying to break through Deciphering the codes in you I need a compass, draw me a map I'm on the top, I can't get back Whoa whoa The first line on the first page To the end of the last page From the start in your own way You just want somebody listening to what you say It doesn't matter who you are It doesn't matter who you are You just want Somebody listening to what you say Oh, you just want somebody listening to what you say It doesn't matter who you are It doesn't matter who you are Is there anybody out there who's lost and hurt and lonely too Are they bleeding all your colours into one? and if you come undone As if you've been run through Some catapult it fired you You wonder if your chance will ever come Or if you're stuck in square one.
--

I pretty much got to get back to me.
I'm sorry.
You have no idea.
I don't listen.
You're trying to help.
While you watch me sink lower.
You're reaching.
I'm not seeing.
I only see what I choose to.
Why don't I see you.
Why can't I understand.
Your love is real.
Let not my mind wander.
To take life differently
Than how it's intended.
God help me.
Your love is real.

in my mind

(Girl Thinking: Brittni)

Thinking....goes on and on; beyond when we've reached the end of the thought process. It never stops. Torturous and lovely at the same time, the monolouge of conversation in our heads never stops. It never stops; no matter if it weighs heavily or reminds us of happiness. Thoughts of everything in between all mixed up. Thoughts of the past, present and future and how things would be if life was different. It keeps going 'round, all around in my head; these thoughts.

--

She wore a floor-length tiny strapped dress of midnight blue, rhinestones starting on the bottom front right and swirling up diagonally to her waist. He wore a black dress shirt and black dress pants. Her hair was caught up in a delicate bun with little bits of hair trailing out. His hair was combed and gelled only slightly. He held her hands as they stood in the middle of the floor looking at each other. Slowly, gently, he pulled her to him and they began to dance, slow and methodical. All eyes on the room lay on them as they circled the floor. Her heart pounded wildly and his breath came short; for one moment heaven was earth and it was as perfect as heaven will be.

And then it ended.