It took me forever to fall asleep last night. Something like 2:35 am is when it happened. Another chapter has closed, actually a few different chapters. Things are going to be different. I feel it deeply. People will remain, but differently. I'm going to grow to new heights, heights I only imagined, three years ago. It's going to be a whole new adventure. I thought about a lot while I was trying to relax. I cried too, and I got play make-up all over my pillow case. Oh well, it's better out in the open anyways.
A list, for me, but for you, if you need it:
1) remember to take yourself with you
2) keep chasing the light
3) always reach
4) if you love them, why don't you let them know, doesn't matter how.
5) cultivate a more adventurous attitude
6) let go even more
7) listen to music that makes you think
8) kick the cobwebs out of the closet (of your mind)
9) lay it down, at your Heavenly Father's feet, everything
10) break to find beauty
11) be a true friend
12) stand tall
13) be proud of your friends
14) never let go
15) try not to bad mouth people, gah, it's tough
16) keep golden memories close
17) remember to love people and life.
All in His time.
YP's tonight. Oh, joy!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Friday, May 09, 2008
this end
One more night.
I'm feeling pretty emotional.
I might cry tonight and I'm not apologizing, if I remember.
I want to give my best, my all.
If something seems perfect, is it actually perfect? Or does it just seem that way, because I want it to be perfect, or other people around me make it seem perfect?
I've changed a lot recently.
I don't care to admit some things. Hmm.
Today's bright moments are tomorrow's fond memories.
I'm feeling pretty emotional.
I might cry tonight and I'm not apologizing, if I remember.
I want to give my best, my all.
If something seems perfect, is it actually perfect? Or does it just seem that way, because I want it to be perfect, or other people around me make it seem perfect?
I've changed a lot recently.
I don't care to admit some things. Hmm.
Today's bright moments are tomorrow's fond memories.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
pulsing
I am soooooo excited for the next 3 days. Oh boy.
My heart is beating really hard and in my head I keep playing the scenes over and over again.
--
We are made in His image.
--
Now and forever, I love.
My heart is beating really hard and in my head I keep playing the scenes over and over again.
--
We are made in His image.
--
Now and forever, I love.
Monday, May 05, 2008
voices raised in love
AOC 2008 has gone down in the history books. Sadly, it goes so fast and it's hard to take in everything. This was definately my best year yet. Coffeehouse was amazing; I have so many talented friends. The music was altogether beautiful. My favourite being "A Clare Benediction". Square Dancing was rediculously fun, I really wish we could do it more often. Hanging out with friends and new friends and meeting new people...it's crazy and wonderful. Devotions were so good in my group. Just being around people of like-mind for a couple days is entirely refreshing.
My best memories:
Playing Hallelujah from Shrek while my friend Jordan sang during the Finale!
Luke, Jon and Keith singing Blessed Be Your Name with Carol-Lee and Ben accompanying them during Coffeehouse and the Finale! Made me cry both times. I like tears of love and joy.
Square Dancing. So much fun.
When my dear friend sat me down and was honest with me about someone because he loved me....and the way he wanted to protect me. Then the assistance my other dear friend was willing to lend. (:P)
Worship time on Thursday night.
What people wrote on my teal folder. Makes me feel so loved.
When the guys and girls came to sing altogether for the first time.
Devotions. Carol-Lee and Samuel were amazing leaders.
The rain...dancing in it with my arms thrown wide.
Realizing how much I love God and how much more I have to learn.
I always come away from AOC feeling full and ready to go at life again. I feel like I've got spiritual energy pumping through every part of me.
This week is the play. 1837: The Farmer's Revolt. I've been challenged this year, encountering some things I either didn't expect or didn't know how to handle. Like handling a rifle...among other things.... It's all for good though, and for learning and stretching, and it's super exhilerating. I'm rather looking forward to it.
For the record: I'm going back to braces, starting in the next month. I'm resigned to it, and it's easier this time 'cause I've been here before. Sigh.
I'll see you around. don't forget to love.
(Happy Birthday Carol-Lee! I am so glad I know you.)
My best memories:
Playing Hallelujah from Shrek while my friend Jordan sang during the Finale!
Luke, Jon and Keith singing Blessed Be Your Name with Carol-Lee and Ben accompanying them during Coffeehouse and the Finale! Made me cry both times. I like tears of love and joy.
Square Dancing. So much fun.
When my dear friend sat me down and was honest with me about someone because he loved me....and the way he wanted to protect me. Then the assistance my other dear friend was willing to lend. (:P)
Worship time on Thursday night.
What people wrote on my teal folder. Makes me feel so loved.
When the guys and girls came to sing altogether for the first time.
Devotions. Carol-Lee and Samuel were amazing leaders.
The rain...dancing in it with my arms thrown wide.
Realizing how much I love God and how much more I have to learn.
I always come away from AOC feeling full and ready to go at life again. I feel like I've got spiritual energy pumping through every part of me.
This week is the play. 1837: The Farmer's Revolt. I've been challenged this year, encountering some things I either didn't expect or didn't know how to handle. Like handling a rifle...among other things.... It's all for good though, and for learning and stretching, and it's super exhilerating. I'm rather looking forward to it.
For the record: I'm going back to braces, starting in the next month. I'm resigned to it, and it's easier this time 'cause I've been here before. Sigh.
I'll see you around. don't forget to love.
(Happy Birthday Carol-Lee! I am so glad I know you.)
Monday, April 28, 2008
do not pass judgement on one another
I'm afraid that occassionally I am crippled by judgement on people. Like at OCHEC for instance.
My entire weekend was spent with 1 girl and 4 guys. Oh how genuine a weekend it was. "That was the best and most fun OCHEC ever." "I really appreciate girls who aren't superficial" "We can just hang out and be real!" "You guys (girls) are so different from a lot of them."
Who knew someone could change so radically in a year? Only because of circumstances they encountered in that year. At first glance they look the same, but they're not. I realized as he told me one story that time really does pass, and time passing changes people: sometimes for the worse, but hopefully for the better.
Our society states that outside appearance is everything. The Bible states that God looks at the heart. If you push away the jet black (I think it's) emo style haircut and look past the black and red clothing, you see a beautiful heart, with boundaries and hopes and dreams, an amazing smile, and a tender personality.
A friendly face in the crowd makes all the difference. It makes one stand out. Isn't it wonderful to feel cherished, even if you only see each other once or twice a year. Not in the instant crush sort of way, but the siblings in Christ sort of way. He has an incredible heart.
I don't know how to explain this guy. He's just cool. He forgot my name, but tried to remember, over and over again. He is so sweet and his smile is so encouraging.
She was glued to my side, and I was glued to her the whole weekend. Everywhere we went, we went together. She's a sweetheart. Everyone looks at her as they pass because she exudes this joy and happiness that's so lost in this world. I love her more all the time- we've got a lot in common.
Me- I like getting out of what I know every day and doing something different. Hanging out with different people and being real, and genuine and transparent and talking about things that actually matter in life, so it feels like it was worth my time. I hope people can see that I'm trying my best.
Then going back to the crowd I see almost every week and that I love deeply and doing something fun like dressing up in movie character costumes and eating dinner all together.-It's like sighing contentment.
Just a side thought: If your relationship is comfortable, then the situation, no matter how awkward can be dealt with. Love perseveres.
(Hopefully will add photos in the near future to this post).
My entire weekend was spent with 1 girl and 4 guys. Oh how genuine a weekend it was. "That was the best and most fun OCHEC ever." "I really appreciate girls who aren't superficial" "We can just hang out and be real!" "You guys (girls) are so different from a lot of them."
Who knew someone could change so radically in a year? Only because of circumstances they encountered in that year. At first glance they look the same, but they're not. I realized as he told me one story that time really does pass, and time passing changes people: sometimes for the worse, but hopefully for the better.
Our society states that outside appearance is everything. The Bible states that God looks at the heart. If you push away the jet black (I think it's) emo style haircut and look past the black and red clothing, you see a beautiful heart, with boundaries and hopes and dreams, an amazing smile, and a tender personality.
A friendly face in the crowd makes all the difference. It makes one stand out. Isn't it wonderful to feel cherished, even if you only see each other once or twice a year. Not in the instant crush sort of way, but the siblings in Christ sort of way. He has an incredible heart.
I don't know how to explain this guy. He's just cool. He forgot my name, but tried to remember, over and over again. He is so sweet and his smile is so encouraging.
She was glued to my side, and I was glued to her the whole weekend. Everywhere we went, we went together. She's a sweetheart. Everyone looks at her as they pass because she exudes this joy and happiness that's so lost in this world. I love her more all the time- we've got a lot in common.
Me- I like getting out of what I know every day and doing something different. Hanging out with different people and being real, and genuine and transparent and talking about things that actually matter in life, so it feels like it was worth my time. I hope people can see that I'm trying my best.
Then going back to the crowd I see almost every week and that I love deeply and doing something fun like dressing up in movie character costumes and eating dinner all together.-It's like sighing contentment.
Just a side thought: If your relationship is comfortable, then the situation, no matter how awkward can be dealt with. Love perseveres.
(Hopefully will add photos in the near future to this post).
Thursday, April 24, 2008
drama
I love being outside and looking up and feeling the light and warmth on my skin.
I think that sometimes this is all very pathetic and we should all make a bigger effort to not be so dramatic about life. But if there was no drama, what life would this be? And life without drama would be boring. I just really dislike the kind of drama, when people get hurt and are misunderstood, or misunderstand or realize things that have been hidden from them. Or when they're caught in the middle and there's not much they can do. I'm speaking for myself...but I know in my heart I'm also speaking for a lot of people. I like the drama of life when it's joyous, like when people get enagaged; you can embrace it with open arms. Often we think drama is confined to a literal stage. Well, life is a stage and there's a drama playing right now: good, bad, sad, emotional, joyous or any mood. It's a production in progress, ultimately written by you and God.
I really enjoy resolution. I also like actually observing good times and amazing people and acknowledging it all, not just letting it pass me by.
He is so faithful. Oh, yes indeed.
I think that sometimes this is all very pathetic and we should all make a bigger effort to not be so dramatic about life. But if there was no drama, what life would this be? And life without drama would be boring. I just really dislike the kind of drama, when people get hurt and are misunderstood, or misunderstand or realize things that have been hidden from them. Or when they're caught in the middle and there's not much they can do. I'm speaking for myself...but I know in my heart I'm also speaking for a lot of people. I like the drama of life when it's joyous, like when people get enagaged; you can embrace it with open arms. Often we think drama is confined to a literal stage. Well, life is a stage and there's a drama playing right now: good, bad, sad, emotional, joyous or any mood. It's a production in progress, ultimately written by you and God.
I really enjoy resolution. I also like actually observing good times and amazing people and acknowledging it all, not just letting it pass me by.
He is so faithful. Oh, yes indeed.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
running through the sunshine
Wearing just a t-shirt and jeans I ran across a soccer field, small hands grasping mine. The sun beat down and warmed my whole being. Laughter echoed all around me, birds twittered and the breeze gently whipped my hair against my face. We reached the end of the field and swung ourselves around the soccer goal post. It felt so good to just be out in the open with no layers of clothing or fear or regret burdening me. We ran to the side of the field to the bench which is there for soccer teams. Both little girls wanted to walk across it so one fearlessly leapt up and practically ran along it. The other looked at me and said “No me do it without you Kathaleen!” Holding her hand, I guided her along the bench to the other side. When we reached the end I picked her up and whirled around congratulating her on her success. She decided she wanted to do it again, so she ran back to the other end and crawled up on the bench. “No me do it, need help!”. I said “You try it by yourself! I know you can do it” Hesitantly she pulled herself up into a standing position and walked slowly toward me. Within the last 4 feet she beamed and threw herself straight into my waiting arms. “Me do it Kathaleen! Me do it!” “I hugged her and congratulated her again before she squirmed out of my arms and decided she wanted to do it again. About ten more times did she get back up on the bench and walk across it, each time with less fear than the time before. Each time did she throw herself into my arms declaring herself a success, which indeed she was. Then we left the bench and ran back across the field to the playground with the sun beating down on us, warming me through filling me with hope, joy and an insurmountable sense of beauty.
Out of this true story a lesson I have been in the process of figuring out became concrete in my mind.
We say we can’t do it (life) alone, which is true. As long as there’s a hand holding ours walking beside us, we’re fine. We can survive. But as soon as the comforting grasp beside us is more distant or steps away we freak out declaring we cannot take another step without it. God guides us a little further and then says “try it on your own, I’m still here waiting a little ways down the “bench” for you to throw yourself into my arms.” So we try it and it works…as long as we know He’s still there. The more we walk “the bench” the more fearlessly we can walk it. Does this decrease our need for God to be standing further along, waiting for us? No! We might need Him more than we thought we needed Him before. Now that we’re walking faster, falling will hurt more, physically and emotionally. We’ve grown so accustomed to walking this way that we turn a blind eye to the fact there are some "rocks" that have appeared on “the bench”. We’ve lost some perspective on the way we’re going, what we’re doing and saying and who we are as a person…and we’ve forgotten the hand waiting for us to hold onto; we walk or run right past it. So we fall and we hurt ourselves and we cry out for God to come and get us so He helps us back onto the bench and we take a few hesitant steps while we try to clear the air and set everything back on track, abandoning ourselves again to His grasp. --Then we say those words 'No me do it!" and do the same thing all over again. Aren't we brilliant? We have an incredible heavenly Father.
I had blood work and another test done today. I will receive results in a minimum of two weeks.
“Thy will be done”.
Go, run through the sunshine, and enjoy it! :)
Out of this true story a lesson I have been in the process of figuring out became concrete in my mind.
We say we can’t do it (life) alone, which is true. As long as there’s a hand holding ours walking beside us, we’re fine. We can survive. But as soon as the comforting grasp beside us is more distant or steps away we freak out declaring we cannot take another step without it. God guides us a little further and then says “try it on your own, I’m still here waiting a little ways down the “bench” for you to throw yourself into my arms.” So we try it and it works…as long as we know He’s still there. The more we walk “the bench” the more fearlessly we can walk it. Does this decrease our need for God to be standing further along, waiting for us? No! We might need Him more than we thought we needed Him before. Now that we’re walking faster, falling will hurt more, physically and emotionally. We’ve grown so accustomed to walking this way that we turn a blind eye to the fact there are some "rocks" that have appeared on “the bench”. We’ve lost some perspective on the way we’re going, what we’re doing and saying and who we are as a person…and we’ve forgotten the hand waiting for us to hold onto; we walk or run right past it. So we fall and we hurt ourselves and we cry out for God to come and get us so He helps us back onto the bench and we take a few hesitant steps while we try to clear the air and set everything back on track, abandoning ourselves again to His grasp. --Then we say those words 'No me do it!" and do the same thing all over again. Aren't we brilliant? We have an incredible heavenly Father.
I had blood work and another test done today. I will receive results in a minimum of two weeks.
“Thy will be done”.
Go, run through the sunshine, and enjoy it! :)
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
pineapple juice
....tis lovely. It provides great entertainment for children to watch you "attempt" to cut a pineapple...or mutilate it.:P The juice also gives your skin acidic reaction bumps which are fun to study. (I have no idea how to cut a pineapple properly...someone care to teach me?)
Today was a truly beautiful day. As I was leaving Tawni came running to me "You have to leave?" "Yeah, I have to leave". 'Oh.*sad face*...hug?" I gave her a hug. "No...kiss-kiss too!!" I kissed her and she kissed me back. Finally, my handsome man (the 3 year old one) acknowledges that that he is "my handsome man" and actually smiles about it and says he's good when I ask "how's my handsome man?". Jenna comes flying in from school ; yelling "KATHALEENNNN!" and throws herself at me. Abby comes and wraps herself around my waist because she just felt like it....oh and she wants a wheel-barrow (my specialty) and I pick up Sarah and hold her tight as she hugs me forever. -- I am in love.
I bought a book. "The Complete : Life's Little Instruction Book" 1,560 Suggestions, Observations and Reminders On How To Live A Happy And Rewarding Life. It's extremely fascinating, I've already learned some things, like:
812. Don't be thin-skinned. Take criticism as well as praise with equal grace.
and
331. Live your life as an exclaimation not an explaination.
I fully intend to share this wisdom with you all.
I love strength and courage.
I love the faithfulness of my Father in heaven
I love deeply.
I love pineapple juice.
Today was a truly beautiful day. As I was leaving Tawni came running to me "You have to leave?" "Yeah, I have to leave". 'Oh.*sad face*...hug?" I gave her a hug. "No...kiss-kiss too!!" I kissed her and she kissed me back. Finally, my handsome man (the 3 year old one) acknowledges that that he is "my handsome man" and actually smiles about it and says he's good when I ask "how's my handsome man?". Jenna comes flying in from school ; yelling "KATHALEENNNN!" and throws herself at me. Abby comes and wraps herself around my waist because she just felt like it....oh and she wants a wheel-barrow (my specialty) and I pick up Sarah and hold her tight as she hugs me forever. -- I am in love.
I bought a book. "The Complete : Life's Little Instruction Book" 1,560 Suggestions, Observations and Reminders On How To Live A Happy And Rewarding Life. It's extremely fascinating, I've already learned some things, like:
812. Don't be thin-skinned. Take criticism as well as praise with equal grace.
and
331. Live your life as an exclaimation not an explaination.
I fully intend to share this wisdom with you all.
I love strength and courage.
I love the faithfulness of my Father in heaven
I love deeply.
I love pineapple juice.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
the next stage
I got angry today. I didn't want to.
I can't really figure it out and there's a lot I want to say but I can't 'cause it's wrong and it's not God centered.
I'm fighting some sort of fight.
I went there today and prayed over it and I felt somewhat refreshed.
I have new found joy though.
She said the right thing.
Yeah, I have to be honest.
Yesterday was lots of fun. I have a lot of things to say, but not right now.
I can't really figure it out and there's a lot I want to say but I can't 'cause it's wrong and it's not God centered.
I'm fighting some sort of fight.
I went there today and prayed over it and I felt somewhat refreshed.
I have new found joy though.
She said the right thing.
Yeah, I have to be honest.
Yesterday was lots of fun. I have a lot of things to say, but not right now.
Friday, April 11, 2008
any other way
AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.
I need a very high mountain top right now, so I can go and pour out my soul to my Father. I suppose since it's raining, my room will have to do. But maybe I should go out in the rain.
I am so sorry, I never...I always thought...I'm sorry.
I'm angry. Angry at myself for not knowing myself very well.
What is gain? That we have all the attention our selfish hearts desire or that we live thoughtful lives endeavouring to serve others and build them up?
My mind is so full it feels like it's overflowing. I feel really stiff like if I move something worse will happen.
Here I thought I was mostly a good friend...I feel so plastic right now.
I am more hurt for my friends than hurt for myself. Myself I can deal with. My friends, well they have their own decisions to make and emotions to follow through on or not. We all have to choose for ourselves
Friends have always been important to me, it's a large part of the reason I love life. It let's me down then when I think I've abused that important part of my life.
I won't be perfect. Ever. But, I will change things, one step at a time. That's my promise and I have someone to keep me accountable.
If I had been faced any other way I'm fairly sure I'd be uber frustrated and angry right now.
It's a good thing we have people who know us well enough to know exactly how to face us with our lives. That is courage.
"No matter what though, we still love you and we'll give you as many chances as you need".
Oh God...
I'm sorry.
Please, let me try again.
I have some things to do and people I need to talk to.
I also have an idea, and I think it's a really good one.
I hope I love you the way you deserve it.
It's not about changing you, it's about changing what you do.
I need a very high mountain top right now, so I can go and pour out my soul to my Father. I suppose since it's raining, my room will have to do. But maybe I should go out in the rain.
I am so sorry, I never...I always thought...I'm sorry.
I'm angry. Angry at myself for not knowing myself very well.
What is gain? That we have all the attention our selfish hearts desire or that we live thoughtful lives endeavouring to serve others and build them up?
My mind is so full it feels like it's overflowing. I feel really stiff like if I move something worse will happen.
Here I thought I was mostly a good friend...I feel so plastic right now.
I am more hurt for my friends than hurt for myself. Myself I can deal with. My friends, well they have their own decisions to make and emotions to follow through on or not. We all have to choose for ourselves
Friends have always been important to me, it's a large part of the reason I love life. It let's me down then when I think I've abused that important part of my life.
I won't be perfect. Ever. But, I will change things, one step at a time. That's my promise and I have someone to keep me accountable.
If I had been faced any other way I'm fairly sure I'd be uber frustrated and angry right now.
It's a good thing we have people who know us well enough to know exactly how to face us with our lives. That is courage.
"No matter what though, we still love you and we'll give you as many chances as you need".
Oh God...
I'm sorry.
Please, let me try again.
I have some things to do and people I need to talk to.
I also have an idea, and I think it's a really good one.
I hope I love you the way you deserve it.
It's not about changing you, it's about changing what you do.
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