hmmm

I've always wanted to be someone's baby sister.

To be (single) or not to be, that is the question.

I'd like to meet some new people soon.

Ah, the joys and failures of life.



P.S. I found out that I'm most definately going to Campfire!:)

I didn't do nothing...oh but I did...and you did too

Positive thinking, that's what I'm aiming for. I have some thoughts that must escape my mind tonight, because they need to. I keep wanting to take it back from God. No, it's time to dump it in His hands again.

Why do I doubt so much?
Why don't I trust more?
Why do I feel the most weak, when I'm supposed to be the strongest?
Why is it always about trying?
Why do I say things?

We all need someone who lets us be the real us with no demands, no qualifications and no "quote un-quotes".

Jazelyn and Mitchell...I'm working on it, I'll get there one day, hopefully soon.
You should know I want to.

Honesty counts all the time.

If you think I'm messed up, I probably am; in fact I'm downright insane. I know it.

Why....? there's so many questions, but eventually no matter how long I go around it, it comes back to God...and the fact that I'm so unworthy of His blessings. "I didn't do nothing."
Oh! but I did and you did too.........We accepted.

Camping

the rock.

lake mazinaw.

the most romantic spot there.

the lagoon.
the rock again.

Ahhh, where to start. Camping was in fact NOT what I expected, but what did I expect it to be? I do not really know. I suppose I thought it would be less stressful and more relaxing. Now it was beautiful. Bon Echo always is, and always has been, but it was not praticularly relaxing, but I did do A LOT of thinking and made some minor decisions.

Yellow kayaks are so cool.

Crashing into people (on a bike) also on my bike brings TOO much joy...and a few bruises.

I have to admit it was a good experience in a twisted sort of way. I needed something like that. Yeah, I don't expect you to completely follow that line of logic.

Green grass is so nice.

People watching is seemingly joyous, as well as extremely annoying, it leaves me shaking my head sometimes.

I think that's all I want to say.

i'm home...

but very tired in a lot of ways and i don't really know how to explain myself as i'm also feeling a lot of emotion right now in different areas. and i don't think i'm okay. in fact i'm not. to be perfectly honest.

...at least...there is one hope...no two...i am a staple...and i have Jesus just one tear, one sigh or one word away. thank God I know Him.

to bed I go, exhausted, weary and worn.

i'm not afraid to cry.

I'm gone

Camping July 29th-August 7th.
Hoping to become rejuvinated in a way.
Have a good week.
Love.

family

This past weekend was the (Laird) family reunion. I didn't think it would be a very good time, but low and behold, it was pretty good; especially since I met up with some cousins I forgot I had. I'm not even kidding. Granted, they're seventh cousins or something, but we look kind of similar and have the same last name so we decided to just call ourselves cousins and leave it at that. So we did, and I'm happy, because now I have more cousins than I thought I did. My first cousins that I see a lot more often were there as well. 1st Cousin: Emily

1st Cousin: Erin

Cousins: Ethan and Jessica

Cousin: Jenny(Jennifer) and I

Jenny is awesome. I think we'd be really close if we lived near each other.

And she's 16 too.

--

On Saturday afternoon I was dragging around and my dad came and asked me if I wanted to go to the beach town and look around and maybe shop or something. Well considering I was feeling really out of place and rather bored I jumped at the chance. So off we went with the sun roof open and the music playing. It takes a while to get there, but when we got there we drove around looking at the lake (Huron) and people and then we parked and walked up and down the street looking in stores. My dad and I each got a shirt and we then we got smoothies, but it wasnt what we got, it was the time. I haven't hung-out with my dad for a LONG time. He recently started a job and it's taken him away on business already a lot more then his old job, so we don't have time to be together that much; and just taking the time and going and doing something that we both enjoy was so fun and relaxing and I'm so glad we did it.

See, my dad and I are actually quite similar, a lot more similar than my mom and I. I'm not saying I don't have similarities to my mom, but my dad and I have a lot of the same interests in life and sometimes it's good just to be with someone who understands where you're coming from when you're standing there comparing colour or reading stats on a new car on line.

--

They took the stitches out of my gums and my doctor says I'm healing well.

I'm off drugs and my life is pretty decent.

It's summer what else can I say?

I love.

I love a lot.

these pages

I spell it out in a song
My confusions and hurts
It all spills out onto my empty page
My happiness and joy
It too comes rushing out
Like it always wanted to
But never knew how
I could write pages upon pages
Of my experiences
My trials and jubulations
I could teach the world to love
Do I have the courage
It's so easy to cut myself short
It's hard to tell myself I'm beautiful all the time
But I am, because I know I am.
My Heavenly Father has shown me I am.
And some have told I am.
Content to be me.
These pages can rustle in the wind and fly
Fly far away to the corners where they fly
To teach others what I've learnt.
And what I'm still learning.
It's not all able to be put down on paper
It's too honest and scary
I don't want to see it all in print
Then the world will know what's really going on
In my heart In my mind In my soul
I suppose though that if they are going to learn
I must write it all down, in black and white
It's what God sees anyways.
Am I ready to show it all?
Let these pages fly

--Kathleen


Note: I am considering basing a song on this poem that I wrote.

I learned something new about Blogger tonight...if you put a post in drafts, when you eventually post it, it will post back when you drafted it. I didn't know that. So I did a quiz last week and put it in drafts and tonight I posted it...you'll have to scroll down my blog to read it. And I'll keep that in mind for later. I should post whatever I have when I have it, it might be kinda weird though,

--

Recently I was at a friend's house and we were eating dinner and her brother suddenly spoke up and said "I think I want to get her *this* for her birthday, what do you think?" (Asking his family in general, and my family I suppose) He was referring to the special girl in his life. It was kind of random and out of the blue, but it was so beautiful. I can't wait til a guy is like that about me. That he cares enough to ask the other important people in his life if they think I would appreicate something specific. It was so sweet to see.

highhhh lightttt of my life

I"m doing okay right now.
Drugs are cool.
Friends are the absolute highlight of life.
You know when they just come to see you, because they love you and they're concerned about you and such like? It makes you feel so special when they look at you and smile and you just know. You know the care; the hope that they bring; the courage they give at certain points; the understanding they stare you down with; the trust they seek to earn and keep; the look on their face when they're proud of you; the longing in their eyes when they want to make you understand something, but they aren't quite sure how to do it; because even though you're as honest as anything with each other, you're still two individual people trying to learn and understand. And when I'm with them, I generally never want it to end. I highly dislike saying good-bye, except if I know without a shadow of a doubt when I'll next see them. But my human mind is crazy and sometimes I get carried away like maybe I won't see them again here; my heart aches or something. I wish maybe I could take the hours and go back so we can start over and, but I don't want to change the good times, the laughter, some minor confusion, and even awkwardness of the last hours, so I try to let go and remember those hours until the next time when we gather to hang-out or party. Except for Jesus, my friends are the highlight of my life. I thrive on friends. Interesting thing is, I used to not be able to live without people's opinions. I needed them, it seems, whether positive or negative. Now I can live without them...most of the time...but people in themselves have become more important to me. Every person affects me in some way. And even when I catch myself expressing displeasure over someone I do not like so well, I cringe and ask myself how they've affected me....and what I have learnt from them. Not necessarily their opinion of me, but the little things I've observed that I think, whoa I want to be like that and I want to incorporate that into my life. A lot of people inspire me as well. Inspire me to strive to be better then I am, try new things, and argue efectively( sp?). To learn about things I didn't think I was interested in and to find that I can actually appreciate it in some way. Maybe not the same way that they can, but I can appreciate it. It's wonderful. You can't live on people though, you can only live on God and all He is. It's even more wonderful.


During my overdose of sedation pills period I quoted some scripture to my mother on the drive to the "place". I cannot remember telling my mother but it's a great passage, and one of my new favourites.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
Isaiah 26:3-4

It certainly is fitting with my whole surgery experience.
God is good, so good we can't comprehend it.
Thank you to the people who sent me notes, called and visited me over the last few days. It meant a lot to me and assisted greatly in over-coming any pain I had and keeping a positive mind-set. You know who you are. I wish I had the courage to tell you to your face exactly what it meant to me. As I continue to heal, please keep praying that everything "settles in" the way it's supposed to.

All my love.

i made it...you covered me

weary and slightly dizzy am i, but here i am on the other side of surgery.
i cannot remember much.
i was on the phone with my dad in china and had to take my sedative to calm and relax me. then we got into the van and basically I can't remember the ride there. apparently I was quoting scripture to my mother and even gave her a reference and the basis of it in my own words. i have no recolection of that. the next thing i knew i was walking inside and getting in the elevator, almost out of it. we got to the office and i don't remember sitting down, but i remember asking my mom even though it's highly highly unusual for me to do this, i asked for People's magazine. haha, yes. i needed something to concentrate on i think. so i got it and was just flipping through. i can't remember a thing about it. don't worry my mind is not poluted. then my name was called....distantly.... and i was guided by my mom to the chair and the next thing i remember was sleep. though they didn't put me to sleep. i fell asleep. and just as i had hoped, i dreamed, i dreamed a wonderful dream, slightly mystifying and altoghether beautiful, with some less appropriate elements. but don't you need a dream like that during such a time as that? and i was not day dreaming! i seriously was asleep. for about an hour of it. and then i woke up and i really was awake and i spent the last twenty minutes i suppose trying desperately to keep my mouth open. and then it was over and i sat there for ten minutes to try to gain my equiliberium (sp?) back and the i went and chilled in the waiting room for a few minutes and then we went home and i crawled upstairs with my whole world spinning...because from the moment the sedative kicked in, as i said to my dad on the phone "my universe went crazy". it amuses me that i can still sound literate with drugs inside of me. so now i'm home and chilling out more or less with an ice pack on my mouth, and watching movies and eating pudding and applesauce so far, looking admiringly at my brand spankin' new 4GB Pink Ipod. yes. there will be updates. for now...i need to back away from the computer for a while because i'm getting a bit lightheaded.
thank you for your covering of love and prayers.
i love you too.