you know?

You know when you want something, but you can't have it?
Or you want something but you're not sure exactly what it is?
Or you can't make up your mind?
Or when you're in a good mood but all restless and stressed out inside?
Or when you just can't concentrate?

Yeah, I know.
--
I can't sleep.
There's just so many decisions to make and things to think about all the time now.
I'm just going to do something.

How can I do it?
It's not even legal.
I don't think.

Okay, I'm rambling.

Forgive me.

The End.

PS. I'm okay, really.

Keith

No, the title is not metaphorical. It does not have hidden meaning, it isn't a word to describe something other than the first "thing"...uhm person... that comes to mind. It is exactly how you read it, not a might different.



I wasn't going to do this when I first thought of it, because you know, I might get complaints of being really personal, or misunderstanding or maybe even people who get really big heads because if it..cough...



I think I've done this once before for another person and it was incredible fun to do and write about that person. I find it incredibly pleasureable to write about how much I like other people. I love to brag about others, I really do. It's like I want to the world to know how amazing the people I have in my life are. And I also don't feel so guilty bragging about other people.



Now, I don't think I'm going to brag right now...it's more like I'm going to make statements that if you care to contradict, I won't accept it.



First I must set the scene. Most of you know this person, if you don't I'm extremely sorry, (actually not, it's too bad you don't, really...)but you can stop reading if you care to, but I sense that you are probably hooked by what I have to say now and even if you didn't know this guy existed til this moment, you'll probably keep reading.



Excellent. I don't think I need a disclaimer...I'm pretty sure I'm safe..ish. lol.



Finally onto the main content of this post. (I'm really enjoying this lead-up by the way.)



Friday evening, I, with my parents and sister accompanied Keith and his parents downtown Toronto to the Entertainment District to the NFB (National Fim Board) Building to watch the screening of Panic In A Box.



Let's just say I didn't think about what I was doing until I was walking into the building and we had to pass a security guard and Keith goes up to the desk and is all like "I'm Keith Brink, director of Panic In A Box" and the guy is like "up the stairs, you're tickets are waiting". And I just stopped for a moment and thought to myself, what am I doing? I'm just blindly following Keith around? Okay, so I knew where I was going, but I didn't know WHERE I was going. and I knew what I was going to, but I didn't know WHAT I was going to, you know? And then I thought, wow, I guess I trust him a lot. I can always tell I trust someone when I go through something like that. Like around 5 minutes before "whatever" happens, I suddenly come up short and am like ,wait a second....what am I doing? And then it kinda just hits me and I shrug and go oh well, this is fun and adventurous, because I love adventures. So that aside I can move on.



We go up these extremely narrow stairs and pass by a lot of incredible photographs, it reminded me of Brittni. And we walk up to this little unofficial desk and Keith does his speech again. (You know, the "I'm Keith Brink....") and so he get's his 2 tickets. and then the rest of us get our tickets and we stand around and look at photographs and Keith is being really cute and funny and looking slightly anxious, but extremely excited. And then we decide to go in the theater. So we walk in and immediately we're like, uhmmm, okay, this won't really work. There was maybe twenty rows of eight chairs across and they were almost all full, save for a couple here and there. So then Keith in his official director state and everything goes to get more chairs and it turns out Mr and Mrs. Brink sit in the back row. My parents sit in the third row and Rachie, Keith and I sit in the front row. Yes, the front. Slightly daunting, but at least Mr.Keith Brink, director of Panic In A Box could not be missed easily.



The format was, watch 4 shorts, then the moderator, Micheal Kennnedy ( a director with a fairly large accomplisment list) got up and led the audience in a commentary which was recorded. Then we watched 5 more shorts (which Panic In A Box was a part of) and we did the commentary thing over again. Let's just say PIAB was up against some pretty high budget films...one even being sponsered by the National Film Board! But here's the thing...people loved Panic In A Box. After it was shown during the wait time between films there was this buzz that wasn't there at other times at all. And Keith received some excellent comments from the audience as well as Mr. Kennedy. As I sat there beside him listening to these people, and him responding to questions, like "how old are you?" I realized how dang proud of Keith I was...and am and looking at him I was seeing him differently, not just as one of my best friends who I do crazy stuff with and be jerkish sometimes, but this guy who has crazy potential for things beyond anything I can imagine, considering I don't know a lot in that field. Like one guy said, "If he's dong what he's doing now, he has a lot of potential to improve and do amazing things in film." (or something along those lines). It's true.

So yes, that's my bragging for the time being. I love being proud of people.

And now... Keith, thanks for being my friend and for caring and loving me and admitting sometimes you're a jerk....and not leaving. Go do amazing things.

(If that's too mushy for any of you, get over it. Now.)

Isn't this perfect too? Today is 2 years since I met Keith and reconnected with Kathleen. We certainly know how to pack the time don't we? I love you.

In fact, I love you.

I'll figure some part of life out one day.:P


PS. Fineeeee, a disclaimer, since my conscience is pricked: Nobody shoot me, please.:P

frustration

Don't you want to put the hammer down, take a break from all the pressure?

Yes.

Can't you just believe in me because I'm me?
Just because you don't agree with everything I say or do.
Please believe in me, I need you to.
Pressure from all sides.
To be this person, to do that thing.
You poke fun at me, accuse me of thoughts.
You tell me to stand strong, don't let it happen.
"Don't let people knock you down with words or glances."
Well, I do that to a certain point, and then I cry inside.
And what are the last things that go through my head at night?
I'm speaking to many, speaking to people who'll never read this.
It just needs to be said, because it weighs on my heart.
Can we just believe in each other for ourselves?
Can you please, believe in me for me?
Actually indeed.
Not just an act.

pool

I realized today when I saw a friend I'd missed them more than I thought I had since it's been over a month. I appreciate them more now too, and that's a good thing. I was getting too negative in our friendship.

I saw Shooter tonight, and I liked it, a lot. I invariably under estimate myself.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, it's going to be good...more like my life will feel like the break's finally over and I like that.


PS. The title has nothing to do with the post. It's more...a side thought, indirectly related.

waiting for sleep to come

Lately, sleep does not come til well after the midnight hour. I'm not really sure what it is. I know I have things and people and situations on my mind, but that's nothing new at all. Then I wake up two or three times in the night, making my days drowsy at times. Sighit. Why? In these late hours though, some of my greatest revelations, creations and strength come to me.

Right now on the radio there is a song that is getting overplayed that I could listen to , over and over and over again. It's almost been a month since it started playing and I still turn the volume up a lot louder when it comes on. It just gets me deep down inside and I'm trying to figure it out. This process is called preference-analyzation. (Heh, sorry.:P)
The song: For the Nights I Can't Remember by Hedley. (clickhere).

I've sat here for a while trying to think of something interesting to write about or say, but there's nothing coming to mind so I guess I'll go and wait for sleep to come.

As much love as I can give...

Oh, one last thought tonight/this morning: Every day holds the possibility of a miracle.

once again.

An appology can clear away much dust that has collected on the window sill of relationships. How wonderful it is when the sun shines ever brightly through the "pane"... once again.

Can I?

Can I just revel in this moment for a while?
Sigh.
I can't stop smiling.
My sister says I'm letting it go to my head.
I prefer to think of it as acknowleging how exciting life is.

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood"

Pretty much the best quote I've read in a while...and it was even found in school work.

Love!

more thoughts

Here I go, changing again. But I'm so much more confident I think. Whether I want it or not, things are going to move and change, so I'm going to embrace it. There's so much... I choose to bury to instead let God's happiness shine out. I can feel it deep inside; 2008 is going to be nothing like I ever dreamed. I'm going to be stronger this year, that's a guarantee just because of how life is. I was listening to a song I haven't listened to in ages and the first 2 lines of it are :

The secret to life is letting go. The secret to love is letting it show.

I like that a lot.

I've done so much thinking these last few days, I know it's just going to keep spilling through my head. It's okay. Even though there is reason to be let down (again) I'm going to try to keep smiling.

Life is super exciting and cool and I love it and everybody in it.

Yeah, God's awesome.

decided

I've decided it is time for a new look.

-

I've decided that I really really like my own room and my own bed. Sleeping over and going away is nice and all, but my own space is where it's at.

-

I've decided I need to make some new goals, going back into school and regular life. It's hard because God challenges us to challenge ourselves but sometimes I just feel so lazy and just want to stick to what I know already. I need to break out of that.

-

I've decided I really love all the people who play such vital roles in my life.

-

I've decided I need to fall more in love with Jesus.

-

I've decided the city is where I need to be to breathe properly.

-

I've decided that some people deserve a second chance.

-

I've decided that everyone needs someone in their life to tell them they're the prettiest (or most handsome:P) person in the room.

-

I've decided that books can give you lot's of ideas on how to be a better person or make something better. Fiction and Non-fiction.

-

I've decided that I really love photographs and photography...and I need a new better camera to do crazier things.

-

I've decided I could go on and on, but I have to stop sometime.

-

The end of decidedness for now.

If I could write a perfect song
I'd write it
Filled with love
Happiness
Non-cliche
Mixed with struggles
That always find us out
Added to a theme
Recurring all the time
Going in circles.
Always ending up where we started
A chorus apart from the expected
A bridge to tie it all together
Verses that bring smiles and tears
In the same line.
Finishing with a lingering chord
Perhaps in an unusual key
Leaving a lasting impression
Just the way I want to.