it all comes down to who's by your side.

i believe it.

within

honesty.
it makes you transparent.
it uncovers secrets.
it unveils your heart.
bitterness.
happiness.
anger.
joy.
within becoming without.
it takes you to decide.
when your mind and your heart are about to burst.
but your eyes tell stories too.
i'm not sure exactly what i'm saying.
basically i'm leaving you to get what you want from it.
it's not really that personal.
i'm not being vague.
you don't need to be scared.
i'll just try to let you figure it out.
i'm here though.
and i'm not going far.

My Vote

I'd just like to put a positive vote in for at least some of the male gender.

If you're not completely adversed to them from the start, you can listen and learn...from each other. And maybe, just maybe, you can try to get along.

Some guys are NOT jerks.

You just have to have eyes wide open to see that, if you haven't realized it already.

Okay. I've voted. Don't shoot me.

It's where I stand.

I think I'll come back to this topic later...maybe soon, we'll see.

Quiz 1-100...Missing a few questions.

100. What is your myspace song and why? Testify to Love (remix) it's an amazing song.

99. Do you have a job? If so, what is it? Yep. I work at a home daycare.

98. What is your middle name? Margaret...some say I have another middle name...

97.do you have a crush on someone? Maybe? Haha. I'm not trying to be cryptic...I honestly don't know.

96. Lied in the last 24 hours? Probably.

95. Best break up song? There's way too many. Uhmmm. I don't make a habit of listening to that stuff.

94. Where was the last place you took a plane to? New York City

93. What is the last movie you watched? Step Up

92. What makes you mad? Not even trying to understand eachother sometimes, distance.

91. What would you like to be when you grow up? a lot of things, a wife and mother, and I'm thinking of pyschology.

90. What's your name? Kathleen!

88. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Oh yes. The best ever.

87. Do you have any siblings? Younger sister.

86. Where are you now? My room

85. Fave color(s)? Brown, green and pink.

84. What does the 7th message in your inbox say on your phone? I don't have a cell....and that's not what the message says. :P

82. What is sitting to the left of you? papers, iPod, CD's...a lot of random things

81. Where is your dad right now? the Office

80. Do you have any kids? No.

79. Closest black object? hmmm...my laptop

77. Closest silver object? border around the laptop keyboard

75. Do you sing in the shower? oh yes

74. Do you own any pets? Well. she's not MINE, but my fam has a minature schnauzer. 6.75 years old, Sparky!

72. Last time you listened to country music? ...uhmmm...when a friend sent me a song.

69. What are your fears? being blind to the love of my life and losing them, fire, not doing what I want to do in life.

68. What can you hear now? Techno beats. I'm in the mood.

67. How many drugs are in your system now? YESS DRUGSSSSSSS!!! approx 600mg of Ibupophren.

65. What are you wearing? AE jean bermuda shorts and a blue-belle coloured henley

64. Last person to comment you? On what? I'll say my blog....Mal.

63. Do you sing? Everyday of my life.

62. Screamo or country? Heh. Wow, way to list basically my two LEAST favourite genres.

61. Rock or rap? Rock.

59. Who did you last call? Keith, I think...

58. Who last called you? Mal

57. What jewelery do you wear daily? I'm really sparatic, like I'll wear something for a couple days and then i won't wear it for a few weeks or something.

56. What are you doing now? Typing and thinking about how much my mouth hurts and listening to music.

55. Who was the last person you hugged? Mal...or Mer...or Sammy...or Liz. lol. Church. I can't remember what order it was.

54. Would you die for someone? Well I've actaully been thinking about this...and I think there may be a few people I might die for. it's such a major mind boggling thing to think about.

53. Latest thing you’ve recently learned? Fear will try to consume you. Love is big.

52. Are you cold now? uhmmm, not really.

51. What do you smell? can you smell lime jello?

50. Is anything bothering you right now? yes.

48. What are you doing tomorrow? Working and going to a party.

47. If your ex wanted you back, would you take them back? Uhmmm...well I have no ex's... except in jest....lol.

44. Bed sheet color? fuchia pink.

43. Do you love someone now? RIGHT THIS MINUTE? Heck, YES!

42. Can you swim? Yes.

38. Favorite smell? Vanilla, one's of my friend's laundry detergent.

37. Ever gone a whole day without eating?? Yes

35. United states or canada? Canada...I live there.

33. What would you do if you found out you were pregnant? Uhmmm. I would be major shocked...because the chances of me getting pregnant are like 1%...because I might get raped...but this is way awkward...and i'm going to stop right now.

32. Jeans or sweatpants? Jeans

29. Do you have socks on? It's summer....NO

28. Do you own big sunglasses? I wish...

27. Have you cried so hard you made yourself sick? Yes.

23. Have you recently talked to an ex? No...refer to 47.

19. Favorite tv show? American Idol....I guess.:S

18. Do you like 80’s movies? HAHA. South African (or however you spelll it) 80's movies are the funniest thing you will ever watch in your whole entire life.

15. What kinda music do you like? Pop, Techno, Rock, Some Jazz..and others.

13. Best city you’ve visted? New York City

12. Been to london? Depends which London...been to London ON

10. Favorite subject at school? Art and Drama.

9. Been to college? No, not yet.

8. Favorite time of day? Night

6. Ever licked someones cheek? I don't think so...

5. Seen all the spiderman movies? Yes

4. What are you looking forward to? Kathleen's tomorrow...Mal's Wednesday.

3. Ever gotten lost in the dark? Yes

2. Do you snore/talk/walk in your sleep? Sometimes I talk.

1. Are you afraid when you're home alone? I'm more afraid when I'm babysitting late at night.



THE ENDDDDD

justified?

it's summer. things are supposed to be brilliant and lovely.
and i suppose they will be sooner or later.
but...one week....and i face it.
but, i'm only human.
am i supposed to say...sorry i'm being weird about this whole...procedure.
i think..whoa you are being so stupid about this Kath, and then i think, wait it's perfectly all right. i'm justified. right? i'm only human.

now...this is what's happening.
next Wednesday July 11th at 12:15pm I will be in surgery for something along the lines of gum recession. The gum on one of my front teeth has deteriorated (sp?) and so they have to take a layer of gum from the roof of my mouth..and gulp...stitch it in. *shudders slightly*. it won't take that long, but i will be sedated at home and then put under at the "place", not the hospital. then i have to stay calm for a few days. it will take a a while to completely heal. the roof of my mouth will feel like i ate a way too hot piece of pizza and got it stuck there.:S not a pleasent experience at the best of times.

i am wondering if you could pray for me?
i would appreciate it a lot, because if you haven't gathered yet, i'm very anxious.
like i know i'll be okay...but... yeah.
i would appreciate it greatly.
thanks.
i love you all.

oh and if you want to visit me at home...COME! Take my mind of my mouth! lol. that sounds odd. i was told i may not feel like talking...lol...we'll see...kathleen not talking is something that doesn't happen. many of you can testify to that.

it will be completed step by step. right?

Lord, hold me close.

honesty...

if i was a bird i'd take to the sky.

i'd get away.

this is hard.

apprehension.

bitterness.

displacement.

i need you Lord.

i don't know what's going on.

except.

i know im scared.

that was honesty.

and.

i don't know if i could explain it at all.

--

on another note.

it's been a year.

i won't say a year since what.

i'm sorry.

that person is right.

i'm good at being vague.

it's my protective defense mechanism.

i don't want to get hurt more than i have to....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Something just happened.

As I was typing this.

AHHHH.

2 hours later....

They're gone

Their hair is amazing.

You should see it.

I'm borderline in emotion now.

Tonight I'll be me.

I think.

I hope.

If you don't understand it all.

Don't worry.

I don't either.

God is still amazing though.

remembering

I'm remembering to be a child.

Remember those indoor playgrounds (McDonalds etc)?
Yesterday we took the daycare to one and it was SOOO much fun.
It is built so parents can go up with their little children, so I took 2 of the babies up and we went down the slide several times. It was yellow and really twisty and it brought back so many happy memories from being a small child. I felt like a little girl again, thoroughly thrilled by a playground and content with life.
For just a few hours I forgot everything else I have on my mind.
It was bliss.

--

I went to my best friend's vocal recital last night.
She's beautiful in every way.
They saved the best for last. (She was last on the program).
I adore her, and not just because we have the same name.

--

A different beautiful friend sent me a letter and I got it yesterday and it was just what I needed.
I'm so glad we can share the wisdom that we have gained into the lives of our friends.
We all learn together, and it's certainly a lot more comforting that way.

--

I was remembering another friend yesterday as well. She's amazing and she's alive and well and walking around, and I adore the heck out of her.

--

I'm almost done....thank you God.

--

I'm remembering you.

liquid

have you ever sat on the bottom of a pool and looked upwards?
you can see the sunlight bouncing off the water.
you can see the ripples.
it's beautiful.
and then when it get's dark and the water is all shimmery.
the lights go on and it's mesmerizing.
water can be so calm and pretty.
and it can also be one of your worst enemies.
it's essential to life, and it can destroy life.
water.
then there's living water.
that's what i need right now.
i'm not sure what's going on.
i had a dream last night and i woke up shaking and crying.
God, help me.

--
Now a story that is amusing and also sad at the same time...

Yesterday my youth group and I went down to the Oakville Waterfront Festival to help clean-up. One of the jobs that we were given was to go along the fence-line and take down all the sponser signs and banners. So "the girls" were assigned to that and off we went. We got over half-way and we had a lot of signs and they were getting heavy so we put them down by the main gate, my mom stayed with them and we went to get the rest and then came back. Then Rachael and Rachel had to go get a couple signs that we had forgotten, so it was Mal, my mom and I sitting at this picnic table by the main gate with the signs. Now one of the sponsers of the festival was "Molson" and I was standing there with the "Molson" signs, and let me tell you, they weren't these little signs. They were BIG. In fact out of all the sponser signs, they were the biggest. So there I am standing there with these signs leaning up against me and there are people coming out of the gate and walking past us and some of them are looking our way and grinning and laughing and others are just looking at us. And then this one guys asks if he can have a sign and we tell him no and then this man stops right in front on us and and asks me a question, but I totally can't hear what he's saying, but I don't think I want to know what he's saying, because of the way he's looking at me and I'm just staring at him and he's looking awfully strangely at me. And so I say to my mom, "what's he saying?" kind of apprehensively. And she clues in and looks at me standing there in my red tank-top holding these gigantic red, blue and orange "Molson" signs and she looks at the guy who's now leering (or something similar) at the signs (or me?:S) and she says "turn the signs around RIGHT NOW Kathleen!" And then all of a sudden it hit me and I was like "AHHH, here I am a teenage girl standing at the main entrance to a festival holding signs advertising beer!" So blushing furiously I turned the signs around so they were facing me, and not the crowd. And my dear Mal was laughing, but it was okay, 'cause I was kind of laughing too, as well as thinking how embaressing that was. And that's basically the end of my story, but I felt kind of dirty after that and looked at and it wasn't pleasent and I never want a job holding a sign of any kind. And as I said at the beginning, it's amusing, but also sad at the same time.
The End.

just when i think i've got all figured out.
something new sends me for a spin.
and i'm searching again.
for answers to questions.
i ask over and over.
but not all the time.
i think my emotions are in order.
but i soon find, that's just what i think.
and i'm being tested.
back down on my knees in the dark of my room.
im asking You again.
what's happening now.
i'm reminded of your perfect timing.
but i don't know what that has to do with anything.
there's a lot of things going on.
in my head.
and in my heart.
and in my mind.
i want to pull the blankets over my head and sleep it away.
and i want to dream of happy things.
and people who make my life.
but that isn't the answer, i know it.
the answer is more kneeling on the bedroom floor.
asking and praying.
and wondering.
and trying to figure things out.
and know who i should trust.
and who i shouldn't.
at least i can trust You Lord.
i'm reminded of who loves me.
and who cares the world for me.
but there's still all this craziness going on deep down.
changing me again.
i like change.
but im confused.
and i'm trying to be loyal.

Dying cats are to be kept between friends.
'Cause that's the way it should be.
It isn't appropriate any other way.


the pieces of my heart are missing you.

The pieces of our hearts probably met on the highway...*breaks into song*

<3

I think I'm getting better at all of this.