WARNING: Don't read this if you...
A) do not care about me
B) do not love me
C) do not know me at least a little bit

This is only to save you.

ifitypefastmaybeillbemorehonestifitypewithoutproperpunctuationmaybeitwillbemorereal

But, maybe not.
I'm beginning to think I've forgotten where lying ends and honesty starts. It's running altogether and blending so much. I lie and believe I'm telling the truth. Who am I honest with? God? my best friend? my mom? myself? I don't even know. There are..uhmm, I'm going to share...I don't even know where to go with this thought, except it's dead on true.

I hate roller coasters; though I've never been on one. So, I dont think I can honestly share that opinion. Oh, there we go with the whole honesty thing again. That word just comes in so often we either subconsciously are aware of it, or we disregard it completely. Anyways there was a point to my roller coaster thought process; but I forget it. or maybe I just want to forget it and honestly I can and could remember if I wanted to. I could go around in circles; but I honestly don't think that would acheive anything. Or would it?

I'm so frustrated with life. There, that's about the summation of how I feel in one sentence. I don't want everybody to feel bad for me; but I'm human and most people would call me a teenager so, supposedly those pyschologist people would look at me, nod their heads and say something along the lines of "normal". Heh, me? Normal? You have GOT to be kidding me. Let me list the things the suggest otherwise...

4 Reasons I'm Abnormal as a Teenager-

1) I'm homeschooled (instantly an abnormal trait...but generally not ashamed of this label)
2) I'm a christian (not welcomed with open arms everywhere, sadly though, I hide this more than I should)
3) I associate on a consistent basis with a dutch world when I am not one (now, this is not to make fun of any of my precious friends who are dutch...but in the world I live in, it is not normal to not be dutch. I have to admit, sometimes I don't feel a part of it at all)
4) I have a different view on relationships and dating (don't get me started, but this set's me apart a lot in some places.)

4 Reasons I'm Normal as a Teenager-

1) I struggle with emotions of all different types. ( towards everything in life really.)
2) I have people in my life that I call friends ( ...and thank God for them!! (that was not sarcastic))
3) I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life (...this is a tough one)
4) I struggle with myself (...if we admit it we all do at some point)

Alright there you go, a broken down, easy to understand pyschological analysis of why I may or may not be abnormal or normal. What is normal anyways? What is anything un less it is created by God? And who is anyybody un less they are redeemed by God?

An incredible friend who is one of my greatest confidantes said to me the other day when I was complaining (again!) about feeling the way I am/do; "It's not about being happy, it's about being content." Does contentedness really come before happiness? I've been thinking about it, and I actually think it might. Out of the contentedness comes happiness. Who is actually content with life? It seems like it might be an easy concept. I think it goes back to the honesty concept I talked about earlier.

Lately I've been feeling a lot of pressure to be a certain way and do certain things. For example: to be optimistic. Now, someone did mention this to me, and it started as a joke, but I've started taking the idea of being optimistic too seriously upon myself and it's become like a command to myself. I'm pretty sure I made it that way, which was pretty stupid of me, but it pressures me.
Being optimistic is not a bad thing; it's just how I use that pressure to conform to being optimistic. It should be natural.

Well, that felt really good. Yes, I have a journal, but sometimes, at least for me, making thoughts like this, public is more honest. Though I could be sugar coating it so I look great for the people who read my blog. If there are actually people I don't know reading all the way down here. Wow. uhmm, welcome to my life. heh. For those who know me and stick by me, you're the best. and I love you.

Oh, but you want to know something crazy? Through anything and everything I continue to learn and grow in God and His love, and that's why I survive, because I have Him. And I don't have to second guess God at all.

"Let us, then, feel very sure that we can come before God's throne where there is grace. There we can receive mercy and grace to help us when we need it"-- Hebrews 4:16

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever -Hebrews 13:8.

This is such a comfort.

(P.S. Hebrews is a powerful book.)

Finding someone that get's you almost completely (even your super weird oddities!) is difficult.
Finding someone that could be you in character is kind of scary.
Finding someone that says the same thing (or something very similar) at the same time as you is funny, but when it happens over...and over again, it's shocking.
Finding someone who says "same!" every 2 sentences on average is freaky.

Oh...and I think I do it back to them.

I think I've found my twin...
I love her. I feel as if I've known her forever; but I met her a month ago.
Nikki.

...if I hadn't listened to them...I wouldn't have met her...I wouldn't have met God the way I did...and I just wouldn't be exactly as I am right now...and that IS scary.

I like that God's totally in charge of everything.

beyond all i deserve

If I didn't keep up with myself, I would lose track of where I was, and I might even lose track of who I was. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am or where I'm going but God has a interesting way of guiding me back. I think that life is beautiful, no, I know that life is beautiful.

I learned a lot last weekend in the cold. I like having freedom of conscience. I like grasping God just a little more, or maybe I just think I grasp Him more; but I think I do. His majesty is beyond all. His mercy and grace is beyond all. His love is beyond all. His blessings are beyond all. God is beyond all. God of Wonders.

Hugs are vital to life.

Let your life out of the box.

to understand

I think that standing on a hill and facing the wind is one of the ways I would feel closest to God.
Or maybe standing out in the middle of a field and letting the rain pour down over me drenching me to the skin. But, maybe the way I feel closest to God is actually when I'm alone in my room and I'm pouring my heart out to Him and He comes and shows me that He's closer than I think.

--

Darkness stretched over the sky and the clock moved forward further into the night; as they sat face to face. He looked like he wanted her to understand what he was saying; all she wanted was to understand, it was important to her. They had already broken down walls and moved forward, but it wasn't enough, there was more to grasp, but how to make it clear. There was everything, but nothing, but it was natural. It always was. Very rarely was anything awkward. Do people like that exist? She promised she would try; he said that maybe she didn't really understand. No, maybe she didn't, but she wanted to. "It's just like this"he said, she looked at him in silent thought. Oh to know perfectly. What about her? but what about him? I don't know if I could like them, because of what you've said. I want to like them on my own terms, by myself. I will admit they are very nice, but I need to know them more. I'll work on that, try to understand that. Time crept forward, as it always does; once again they parted ways with just a little more understanding and strangely, more love. I'd really like to know if people like that exist. I think they do, but it seems surreal, but natural too. If there were words, I'd use them...

(May be continued).

--

Gotta go my own way?

how do you see me?

I'm doing this personality course of sorts and one of the questions is "get your friends to give another perspective on yourself." So that's what I'm asking you. It's supposed to be a positively driven opinion, so uhmm, yeah, I ask that you keep it positive. lol. I don't think my friends are that cruel, it just says that you should make sure "they" know how it's sort of supposed to be.
If you'd like to share your perspective on me, you can either comment so anyone else can see, or you can email me. It's your choice. Isn't (almost) everything?

Love.

So, life is back to almost normal. it's hard to come down from camp. very hard. especially when your families life is so up in the air. My granddad is still in the hospital and he's not doing praticularly well.

He's there for me, with me, all the time. Oh I love God.
I totally realized this past week, I need to know my Bible more. I know it, but not enough.
There's so much I have to do and say and think.
Some experiences are untouchable and honestly cannot be explained to their full glory.

There's many thoughts, but for now, I'll say one thing and one thing only...

God is so good all the time; all the time God is so good.

last minute thoughts before camp

"It's been one of those days for a lot of days, I need a day when the world can take care of itself.........but I'm not done yet."
-Superchick- Not Done Yet.
--
Tomorrow I go. I haven't been pumped for something this much since the play in May...I might even be more excited than then. I can't say I'm going completely unbiased, heh, but I like that I have a general idea of things. I like life that way.
--
Sometimes you find lyrics to a song that explains everything. We want lyrics to be our answer sometimes, to show us, we're just like everybody else.
Sometimes you find a scene in a movie that you can relate to completely and it tries to be you. You try to make it you and it doesn't work.

That's because it all comes from the imaginations of people, based on real-life experiences, but glossed over with fairy tale endings.

Why can't someone write a song that ends just as depressing as it started? Something along the lines of (as the last chords of music play and fade out) "The darkness remains" I think that even as it would be so depressing, it would also be beautiful, because it's not all painted with the happy-go-lucky-smiley-face-you'll-get-what-you're-after-by-the-end-of-the-on-average-three-minutes-and-thirty-second-song.....And the I'm-breaking-up-with-you-because-you're- the-worst-guy-in-the-world songs don't count.

Why can't someone write a movie script that doesn't end with the main character boy and the girl hooking up.? Why can't we kill one of them off? (like A Walk to Remember somewhat) BUTTTT the person left has no hope at the end of the movie. OR someone else comes into one of the "couple" lines of vision and they just totally ditch the other person for the new person and it ends like that? I think that as "not done" as that is, it would more encouraging to some people, rather than the boy-meets-girl-or-vice-versa-and-they-go-out-and-it's-heaven-on-earth-for-a-while-but-then-something-happens-to-tear-them-apart-but-eventually-it-all-works-out-and-they-get-back-together-and-they-kiss-in-the-garden-and-live-happily-ever-after-movie.

Although, true confession time is here. I'm a girl, so sometimes I desperately "need" to watch that type of movie. I don't know why though. Is it because I want to try to convince myself my life will end up like that? (Which is a false view!) It's satisfactory for the moment? Rather, it makes me feel worse, because "everybody else... (I use "everybody" loosely)...life is together and they'll end up like the people in the movie and I won't. (That is also a very false view).

We ask ourselves how come these writers and lyricsts can write this stuff when most probably they go through the same things we do. Maybe they're just trying to comfort themselves as well and those people just happen to have the "privilege" of having the job they have. As a (songwriter) myself, I fall into the same trap, but I'm experimenting with different thought processes.

There is hope, but I don't really like false hope.

Now, I'm going to listen to my music that will give me temperary comfort.

"I don't want to be anybody else but me"

16 hours later reaction: Love is strong. I'm so glad love exists.

What else would we call the feeling that comes over us when we see someone we care deeply about hurting, or laughing, or crying, or staring back at us, or when we're thinking about them.
It comes in all shapes and sizes and ways.

I suppose we will survive.