WARNING: Don't read this if you...
A) do not care about me
B) do not love me
C) do not know me at least a little bit

This is only to save you.

ifitypefastmaybeillbemorehonestifitypewithoutproperpunctuationmaybeitwillbemorereal

But, maybe not.
I'm beginning to think I've forgotten where lying ends and honesty starts. It's running altogether and blending so much. I lie and believe I'm telling the truth. Who am I honest with? God? my best friend? my mom? myself? I don't even know. There are..uhmm, I'm going to share...I don't even know where to go with this thought, except it's dead on true.

I hate roller coasters; though I've never been on one. So, I dont think I can honestly share that opinion. Oh, there we go with the whole honesty thing again. That word just comes in so often we either subconsciously are aware of it, or we disregard it completely. Anyways there was a point to my roller coaster thought process; but I forget it. or maybe I just want to forget it and honestly I can and could remember if I wanted to. I could go around in circles; but I honestly don't think that would acheive anything. Or would it?

I'm so frustrated with life. There, that's about the summation of how I feel in one sentence. I don't want everybody to feel bad for me; but I'm human and most people would call me a teenager so, supposedly those pyschologist people would look at me, nod their heads and say something along the lines of "normal". Heh, me? Normal? You have GOT to be kidding me. Let me list the things the suggest otherwise...

4 Reasons I'm Abnormal as a Teenager-

1) I'm homeschooled (instantly an abnormal trait...but generally not ashamed of this label)
2) I'm a christian (not welcomed with open arms everywhere, sadly though, I hide this more than I should)
3) I associate on a consistent basis with a dutch world when I am not one (now, this is not to make fun of any of my precious friends who are dutch...but in the world I live in, it is not normal to not be dutch. I have to admit, sometimes I don't feel a part of it at all)
4) I have a different view on relationships and dating (don't get me started, but this set's me apart a lot in some places.)

4 Reasons I'm Normal as a Teenager-

1) I struggle with emotions of all different types. ( towards everything in life really.)
2) I have people in my life that I call friends ( ...and thank God for them!! (that was not sarcastic))
3) I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life (...this is a tough one)
4) I struggle with myself (...if we admit it we all do at some point)

Alright there you go, a broken down, easy to understand pyschological analysis of why I may or may not be abnormal or normal. What is normal anyways? What is anything un less it is created by God? And who is anyybody un less they are redeemed by God?

An incredible friend who is one of my greatest confidantes said to me the other day when I was complaining (again!) about feeling the way I am/do; "It's not about being happy, it's about being content." Does contentedness really come before happiness? I've been thinking about it, and I actually think it might. Out of the contentedness comes happiness. Who is actually content with life? It seems like it might be an easy concept. I think it goes back to the honesty concept I talked about earlier.

Lately I've been feeling a lot of pressure to be a certain way and do certain things. For example: to be optimistic. Now, someone did mention this to me, and it started as a joke, but I've started taking the idea of being optimistic too seriously upon myself and it's become like a command to myself. I'm pretty sure I made it that way, which was pretty stupid of me, but it pressures me.
Being optimistic is not a bad thing; it's just how I use that pressure to conform to being optimistic. It should be natural.

Well, that felt really good. Yes, I have a journal, but sometimes, at least for me, making thoughts like this, public is more honest. Though I could be sugar coating it so I look great for the people who read my blog. If there are actually people I don't know reading all the way down here. Wow. uhmm, welcome to my life. heh. For those who know me and stick by me, you're the best. and I love you.

Oh, but you want to know something crazy? Through anything and everything I continue to learn and grow in God and His love, and that's why I survive, because I have Him. And I don't have to second guess God at all.

"Let us, then, feel very sure that we can come before God's throne where there is grace. There we can receive mercy and grace to help us when we need it"-- Hebrews 4:16