frustration

Don't you want to put the hammer down, take a break from all the pressure?

Yes.

Can't you just believe in me because I'm me?
Just because you don't agree with everything I say or do.
Please believe in me, I need you to.
Pressure from all sides.
To be this person, to do that thing.
You poke fun at me, accuse me of thoughts.
You tell me to stand strong, don't let it happen.
"Don't let people knock you down with words or glances."
Well, I do that to a certain point, and then I cry inside.
And what are the last things that go through my head at night?
I'm speaking to many, speaking to people who'll never read this.
It just needs to be said, because it weighs on my heart.
Can we just believe in each other for ourselves?
Can you please, believe in me for me?
Actually indeed.
Not just an act.

pool

I realized today when I saw a friend I'd missed them more than I thought I had since it's been over a month. I appreciate them more now too, and that's a good thing. I was getting too negative in our friendship.

I saw Shooter tonight, and I liked it, a lot. I invariably under estimate myself.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, it's going to be good...more like my life will feel like the break's finally over and I like that.


PS. The title has nothing to do with the post. It's more...a side thought, indirectly related.

waiting for sleep to come

Lately, sleep does not come til well after the midnight hour. I'm not really sure what it is. I know I have things and people and situations on my mind, but that's nothing new at all. Then I wake up two or three times in the night, making my days drowsy at times. Sighit. Why? In these late hours though, some of my greatest revelations, creations and strength come to me.

Right now on the radio there is a song that is getting overplayed that I could listen to , over and over and over again. It's almost been a month since it started playing and I still turn the volume up a lot louder when it comes on. It just gets me deep down inside and I'm trying to figure it out. This process is called preference-analyzation. (Heh, sorry.:P)
The song: For the Nights I Can't Remember by Hedley. (clickhere).

I've sat here for a while trying to think of something interesting to write about or say, but there's nothing coming to mind so I guess I'll go and wait for sleep to come.

As much love as I can give...

Oh, one last thought tonight/this morning: Every day holds the possibility of a miracle.

once again.

An appology can clear away much dust that has collected on the window sill of relationships. How wonderful it is when the sun shines ever brightly through the "pane"... once again.

Can I?

Can I just revel in this moment for a while?
Sigh.
I can't stop smiling.
My sister says I'm letting it go to my head.
I prefer to think of it as acknowleging how exciting life is.

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood"

Pretty much the best quote I've read in a while...and it was even found in school work.

Love!

more thoughts

Here I go, changing again. But I'm so much more confident I think. Whether I want it or not, things are going to move and change, so I'm going to embrace it. There's so much... I choose to bury to instead let God's happiness shine out. I can feel it deep inside; 2008 is going to be nothing like I ever dreamed. I'm going to be stronger this year, that's a guarantee just because of how life is. I was listening to a song I haven't listened to in ages and the first 2 lines of it are :

The secret to life is letting go. The secret to love is letting it show.

I like that a lot.

I've done so much thinking these last few days, I know it's just going to keep spilling through my head. It's okay. Even though there is reason to be let down (again) I'm going to try to keep smiling.

Life is super exciting and cool and I love it and everybody in it.

Yeah, God's awesome.

decided

I've decided it is time for a new look.

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I've decided that I really really like my own room and my own bed. Sleeping over and going away is nice and all, but my own space is where it's at.

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I've decided I need to make some new goals, going back into school and regular life. It's hard because God challenges us to challenge ourselves but sometimes I just feel so lazy and just want to stick to what I know already. I need to break out of that.

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I've decided I really love all the people who play such vital roles in my life.

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I've decided I need to fall more in love with Jesus.

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I've decided the city is where I need to be to breathe properly.

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I've decided that some people deserve a second chance.

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I've decided that everyone needs someone in their life to tell them they're the prettiest (or most handsome:P) person in the room.

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I've decided that books can give you lot's of ideas on how to be a better person or make something better. Fiction and Non-fiction.

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I've decided that I really love photographs and photography...and I need a new better camera to do crazier things.

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I've decided I could go on and on, but I have to stop sometime.

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The end of decidedness for now.

If I could write a perfect song
I'd write it
Filled with love
Happiness
Non-cliche
Mixed with struggles
That always find us out
Added to a theme
Recurring all the time
Going in circles.
Always ending up where we started
A chorus apart from the expected
A bridge to tie it all together
Verses that bring smiles and tears
In the same line.
Finishing with a lingering chord
Perhaps in an unusual key
Leaving a lasting impression
Just the way I want to.

new beginnings

Happy New Year.

The last 6 hours of my 2007 were wonderful, aside from loss of all feeling in my feet.
But there were many other hours in 2007 that were wonderful as well. I think back over the last year from start to finish going through each event, milestone and celebration in my mind, as chronologically in order as possible and pushing away all the negative and hurt, frustration, anger and lonliness there is love and laughter, smiles, joy, understanding and togetherness. God had blessed and does bless me so much, every day, no matter what. The biggest thing I learnt this year is there are people besides your family that are required to love you that love you and can't tell you how much they do because it's not possible. I also learned there are many kinds love. Sadly some people can't see the difference. Like for me, close to my heart there are many guys. My guy friends, who "I love so incredibly much". People don't get it. Apparently it's impossible to love a guy without being "in" love. That's probably one of the saddest things I know. The message of our culture seeping into our lives. It's so frustrating and I really hate it when people judge me on my love and who I'm loving and automatically expect things. So this year, I'm going to continue my quest to love and I'm going to love who I want and eventuallly let what other people think of who I love and how roll off and be gone. I'm really going to try.


Dear God,
Thank you for Your greatness and all You give me and bless me with. Thank You for Your unfailing perfect love that helps me live each day. I'm greatful because You are everything I am not and You fill in all my empty spaces and pick me up when I fall down on this road I'm on. I love You.
Kathleen.

Let it roll!!

midnight poetry

She waits in silence.
Ever so patiently.
Waits while the world falls in love.
She'll dance to the sound of the clock striking twelve.
All is never lost.
Whether she has company or is alone.
Snow sparkles in the air and she throws back her head.
Smiling and staring up at the dark sky.
Then she turns and walks in through the door
Into warmth and comfort and most importantly love.
Who would have guessed anything about her?
Innocent looking.
Blending in with the crowd.
Long dark chestnut hair, green eyes full of life.
The life she leads is one we do not know.
Each life a canvas, on which paint is spilled and glopped.
Poured, sprinkled and flung.
She'll wait as the world falls in love
And she'll dance to the sound of the clock striking twelve.
All is never lost.

--Kathleen Laird