into dusk

An urban campground can still give you the distinct impression of being 100 kilometers away from your home. I pumped my way to the sky as the sun disspeared below the horizon. The chains hurt my palms I was grasping them so hard. I threw back my head, closed my eyes and just breathed. There were no other requirements, I could just -be. And enjoy the moment. I've always had the opinion that dusk is a moment worth reveling in.

--
I enjoyed having the entire house all to myself for 2.5 days. I really did.
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that's quite a show...

not me and me

I went to the Region head office. I was fairly friendly, taken for 22 years of age, had the "priviledge" to speak to Elvis, was as helpful as possible, and filmed Canada's Handyman- Shawn Monteith, while he did a 45 minute demo/talk. Yeah, me. (:P)
A long day, but totally worth the experience. I'm getting used to 30 and 40 something year olds looking at me with disdain. Though, it doesn't bother me much...'cause there's a few more from the same age group that think I'm the best thing ever. It's a very different kind of love. Yeah, actually they love me so much they took me out to dinner. I feel like I'm becoming part of the family and I love it. This is actually the same family that I babysat for last weekend. Oh, and just to clarify...I associate with them through the daycare, babysitting, volunteering and random other things....it's really only church that's left....hmm.

Here I am, getting reaquainted with me, and people I haven't really considered for a long time.

when you're changing on the the inside and you don't even really know how...

oh, to let go.

I have this fabulous opportunity on Friday to go to the Halton Region head office and go to a bunch of meetings and meet people in high positions with big ego's as well as represent youth and celebrate senior's. I'm going. Slightly intimadating, but also exciting. Goodness, I'm priviledged.

Maybe I'll run for Miss Burlington...

don't rain on my parade

Oh joy, oh fun, oh freedom, oh responsibility, oh respect...oh acceptence.


I was engaged to go downtown Burlington to Spencer Smith Park for the Sound of Music Festival to babysit the past president of the festival's girls, Friday night and alllll day Saturday. Well, let me tell you it was some of the most fun I've had in a longgggg time. I got VIP access to the sponser tent, Free carnival tickets, free food- which was catered by my favourite restaurant in the world, plus the rest of my food was paid for, I was paid, anddddd a dream that was born, was fulfilled less than an hour after it was born....I got to go in the parade. Chya!! I was on the back of a golf cart at the back of the parade with all these important people and got to wave at hundreds of people lining the streets. Prettyyyy incredible. At first I was like "what the heck?" and then I got into the swing of it, and loved every second. Being a babysitter definately has it's benefits, and I'm not even joking. The best part? When the children love you back, so much so, they want to hold your hand all the time, no matter if their parents are there...or not. It is such an awesome priviledge. I'm so in love with my job. My passion is confirmed. Ahhh...this feeling rocks my world. I just wish you could understand, 'cause I'd gladly share my deep joy.

Excuse me, I have to go get ready to go to a 6 year old's soccer game...

a tiara for a crown

Okay, it's not all very clear to me at all.

Sarah is rather alright; she has a minor concussion and they have to watch her closely for the next couple days to make sure she's on the right track. I just want to hold her and kiss her.

I've entered a new chapter. I like it and I don't, and I think it might get lonely later on. The world looks to you because you're 17 and you're still young, but at an age you can do so much. They expect you to do a lot. Yesterday I recieved another birthday card and on the front this is what it said :
"You know when you were a little kid and wanted to grow up to be something special?" (Flip the card open) "You did." I can't be here. I'm NOT done growing up, I can't be. "Kafaleen, 17 is so old", a little girl says to me. I said "No, it's not old, I'm still a kid, really. Officially for one more year." If I'm supposed to be an 'adult' in one year, I have a lot to do. A lot. There will be laughter and there will be tears; moving at the speed of light. I miss...

it's all very clear to me

I'm 17. Seventeen. Brittni's right, it is a pretty word.
I adore my friends from the very bottom of my heart. I'm so blessed, I can't even begin.
My birthday was wonderful. Shopping, food, dancing and friends- what more do you need?

I have a lot of decisions to make in the coming year, it's going to be fun and exhilerating as well as daunting. I'm trying to have faith. I have a lot of questions too, about tons of different things. I guess it's good though, it means I'm not staying in one place. Too bad some questions can't just be answered straight out. Hmmhm. I also want a lot. Some things I could have tomorrow...other things will take time, but that's alright, it's beautiful -very beautiful.

I guess not everything lasts...today was a bad day. Ha. Yeah. I was super tired from partying til late last night and then I experienced something that just sucked all my emotional energy as well. As most of you know I work at a daycare which is basically my passion of life. I mean it was my birthday yesterday and I got the day off and I was just bouncing around the house and I really missed work and "my kiddies" and so I called my employer...who is more my friend then my employer and I went over for half an hour. Haha. Yeah, call me weird, I don't mind. So today I was officially working and we were outside getting ready to go to the park and one of little girls got a head start on the rest of us and I called her back, so she turned and came back. Well on her way she tripped and fell and slammed her head into the sidewalk. Well, you know what comes next. Tears and screaming. I'm pretty immune now. So we got her some ice and she settled down and we went to the park. I put her in the swing 'cause she loves it and was pushing it along with a couple other kiddie's and suddenly I realized she had fallen asleep... And warning bells went off in my head. So I took her out and sat with her on the bench and talked to her and sang to her and jiggled her and she was not responding very well and she just wanted to sleep on my shoulder and the noise of the park was bothering her. And when I asked if her head hurt, she just nodded and lay her head back down. By then I was kind of freaking out inside, so we quickly got the the rest of them together and rushed home and tried to call her parents, no answer. And she wasn't perking up, very lathargic, and she wouldn't talk to us, which is the complete opposite to the Sarah that usually rushes around with a smile on her face talking a mile a minute. So after a few minutes it was decided that I would take her over to her dad's work which happens to be a 3 munute walk from the day care. It also happens to be where I volunteer at BINGO every Monday, so I know it very well. So I walked over with her in my arms, singing all the way 'cause I totally didn't want her to fall asleep. By that point I was going into a critical state of concern, and I felt like I was in an different universe. Like the kind where you have a limited amount of time to solve the problem or get somewhere, you know? I got to Creekway and went in and dealt with the very snobby receptionist. Then I rused upstairs by way of the elevator. I delivered her to her dad and she still wasn't talking and all she wanted was to cuddle. So a nurse came in and checked her out and they made the decision to take her to the ER to have her checked out. So Sarah's dad called her mom and then we went and got in the van and I gave her a juice box which she took pretty well to fortunately. He dropped me off at the daycare and then I went inside and had to make lunch and look after the rest of the kiddie's. This afternoon I also had the after-school shift so I went back and all Judy knew was that they were still in the ER and Sarah's sister had been picked up from school by Nanny. So, at this point, I have no idea what's going on, whether it's a concussion or hairline fracture or anything and I'm just very very drained and tired, and I can't concentrate on anything and I have to do an emergency babysitting job tonight, and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. I'm so worried about my little sweetheart.

I probably didn't need to blog this, but I'm really wound up drained, if that makes sense.

I had a really sweet birthday though. Almost everything: from the cards to the amazing cake my friend made to the laughter and hugs, it was joyous.

This is life-all over the place. Haha.

Much love.

sweet indeed

This is the last full day I will ever be "sweet 16". Oh, it just goes so fast. It would be easy to try to cling to 16, but 17 is imminent so I'll take a step, even when the battle for my heart and mind and soul, and actions and words is not over.

What about sweet 17? I think so.

fortunately, God isn't a computer

I tried to upload a picture and it sent me an error message and wouldn't let me proceed.

I'm so glad that my God doesn't send me error messages. Even when I'm doing it all wrong, He let's me keep going and helps me figure out what's going on, so everything, eventually, uploads properly, one way or another.

This isn't what I was originally going to say, but that other thing can wait.

PS. This will post with God in lower case letters. Please imagine it with an upper case "G".

typical, mixed up

Often we lose sight of why we're doing what we're doing.

We also lose sight of who we are, and what we've become; who we're becoming.

We lose sight of what we are living for; what is the goal.

We lose sight of when we decided to live for, what we are living.

We also lose sight of where we are going, and where it is.

We lose sight of how we got here, how we keep breathing.

It's mechanical.