year

It's been a year since I first entered the world of blogging...what gets me is it's already been a year. I enjoy blogging quite a bit. It's freeing, amusing, hard and wonderful to pour my thoughts on to a computer screen, only to post it and let the world read it. Sometimes I'm tempted to not say everything I want...maybe even need to say because I am afraid of how someone will take it. Sometimes I have second thoughts about what I've posted. I've only deleted one post in the last year. I do have I think 3 drafts that I just couldn't bring myself to hit the "publish post" button. Maybe I'm too nice worrying about how praticular people will respond. Maybe I should just throw it out there and deal with it as it comes. But, that's not really me. I've also thought maybe I should change the way I write/blog. I think I sound really juvenile compared to some people...but then that wouldn't be me posting. That would be Kathleen trying to sound more intellectual and quite possibly falling short. So I don't.

Okay, there is one thing that's bothering me. And I'm going to be honest....I really like when people comment on my posts, even if it isn't 3 paragraphs long. This is part of the reason why I have considered changing my blogging style because people don't comment on my blog. I'm trying to figure out why. I will admit it's kind of discourgaing when other people get lot's of comments and then there are people like me...that get maybe one...or none. I heard that you have to comment on other people's blogs to get comments, so guess what? I have. Mind you, I don't just comment on people's blogs cause I want comments myself. Invariably I do have something I want to say. But yeah, I really don't get it. Maybe I should change my style...?

move my mind

i lost some fear.
healing.
--
i want to feel good.
but something's overwhelming me.
i made a list and came up with 24 things on my mind.
heh.
i won't post it here.
that would be telling wouldn't it?
--
i'm full of a lot of things right now.

raised hands

I thought it would happen one way, it happened another.

I thought I had it all figured out....oh my goodness...I don't have it figured out at all.

I thought that if I tried my best it would be good....it takes more than one person to leave a good impression.



Lighting a new fire.



The other side of my life....many of you don't see it. My church life. No it's not drastically different, but it is different. It has becoming more and more clear to me, the line down the middle of my life. No, I'm not talking about living a double life...I try very hard not to. It's more the atmosphere. There's my "school" world and my "church" world. And very rarely do they collide. This weekend though they did...and it left me trying desperately to piece them together. On the other hand, it also shocked and delighted me at how well a part of my "school" world and my "church" world fit together. I love both my "worlds" in extremely different ways. And until this weekend, everything was in order, "on each side of the line". Please don't take this the wrong way. I love you all dearly...my mind is just being stupid about this right now.

Yesterday afternoon brought up an interesting point. Offhandedly I said "I think I'm just talking for the sake of talking." Maybe I'll just sit and study your face. Heh. Yeah I do that a lot too....study people's facial expressions. Don't be scared, I'm not stalking your face or anything. Oh wow...that sounds rather amusing...stalking your face. I know you want me to.:P

I've said this before...I'm going to say it again...you have to KNOW you are amazing. You have to believe it. You are perfect, one of a kind and the love of Someone's life. Male or female. All of us alike struggle with knowing we're "cool" "awesome" "beautiful" "hot" "good-looking" and every other adjective that describes people in a positive way. You have to OWN it. It's not selfish and arrogant to KNOW that you are amazing. It's the way God intended for us to view ourselves as. We also need to appreciate other people and let them know they're amazing...because knowing you're amazing takes time. It takes emotion and it takes work and having someone else tell you helps a lot. Look in the mirror and tell that person staring back at you that they are awesome. Com'on I dare you to say it.

Life As It Is

I think...

Coming over the crest of a hill and looking out over a city full of twinkling lights, is beautiful.

Big wide open rooms with windows on all sides are pretty.

Dancing is the best "sport" in the world.

Patience is a gift.

Love in general is incredible.

Corn chips are the best fast sodium intake around.

Silence doesn't have to be awkward in any way, shape or form.

You just KNOW when you're with the right people.

It doesn't have to be weird...you CAN choose.

Letting go and enjoying the moment for what it's worth is a very good idea.
(Refer to previous post "Moments")

Remembering is precious.

This is the way it is.

You're right.

You just know.

Moments

Every beautiful moment is to be held delicately. So often we let the moment slip by without savoring it, without considering it. It ends up being lapsed time that has no significance. Oh, what we miss when we only focus on the “big” stuff. We miss the smile directed at us. We miss the laughter. We focus on the moment when someone reveals their heart to us. Those times are still important, but what if we treasured every moment that meant anything? Hold onto every moment.


I’ve been doing some heart searching recently. Looking at what’s in and on my heart and more importantly who is in my heart. Not just Jesus my Saviour and King…but people.
I realize that not everyone has a special place in my heart…people that should…don’t. And then there are those that I’m surprised to find have quite a prominent place without me even making a conscientious decision about it. Oh well, it cannot be explained. Except for the fact that they are the people that help to make me the person I am by investing their time and attention, care, concern and love in me. By investing anything in anybody you make an impact on them, no matter if you want to or not. In fact you impact people almost 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Whether it be positive or negative. You’re playing a role in the drama of someone’s life. Sometimes you’re the main character, saving the day. Sometimes and often most beautiful are the times when you play the character in the back ground, watching and waiting to assist the hero, but then something happens that makes it necessary for the insignificant character to step forward fill the heroes shoes and help save the day. Or it may not happen like that. It may happen that you continue to play out that small role, but just one smile, just one kind word brings someone up in the world and gives them the confidence to keep acting out their drama, but really when it gets to that point, it’s not acting out their drama (life) it’s living it out, and living it out loud.

I love that quote. “live your life out loud.” I sometimes, take it quite literally and live out loud, you know, make a lot of noise, laugh, shout, scream, whatever it takes to live out loud. Then there are the times when I don’t take it quite so literally and I live out loud by smiling my life away. I’m serious I’m going to smile my life away and I totally don’t even care. If life was perfect…you’d never see the smile leave my face. I love smiling, I love people smiling at me. I love smiling in general.

Know that else I love? When people make me feel beautiful, loved and adored without even doing it on purpose! I love it I love it. ‘Cause then they aren’t feeling any obligation and they are blessing me so much, by just being them. I think about those who I am closest to, and I think would I still be your best friend or would I still have the type of relationship I do with you if you were different, even just one (seemingly) teeny tiny difference in you? I don’t know. I can’t tell you til it happens…but please don’t. ‘cause I don’t want to find out if I can help it.

I can be your friend…if you want me to. If you’re open and receptive, I will. It’s a two way street though. It goes both ways. Which way are you going? Just wondering.

You are amazing. Did you know that? And even if you do know it., do you KNOW it? Do you believe it? You have to. Nobody can appreciate you, love you and look (up) to you until you’ve accepted that you are indeed amazing, and you are simply the best.

AOC 2007

Where to begin? I'll begin where I feel the need to begin. The beginning, which actually wasn't the official beginning, but it was my beginning, because that's when I left my normal life for 3 days and entered a dfferent life, still mine, but different in a good way.

West Side Story at HD was pretty much amazing... I had 3 friends who were in it, plus a few people I vaguely know. I was there with some other friends and because we weren't a loud obnoxious big grade-school group, we got front row seats, which was pretty nice in itself.

So then we went to Kathleen's to hang out til AOC. Somewhere around 6pm we decided that maybe we needed food and maybe we should go out and get some. So we went to the Egg and I and got some food and then we went to AOC.

And that was really the proper beginning. It's like a current, I was just swept up in all of it. My friends, singing, doing activities. I had a way awesome group. Art and Candice were amazing leaders. We had some really good discussions on "image", in fact, so good, we went overtime all three devotion times.

"You smell good".

Singing is amazing. Until you lose your voice...and I did just that. WOOT. So at Coffeehouse I pulled it off, but when I woke up Saturday morning...my voice wasn't there. After warm-ups I talked to Sonia and officially became a tenor. Yes I did. I went from high soprano to tenor in 24 hours, pretty impressive I think. So tenor is really nice. I will never look at tenors again in the same way. Men's sectionals were actually fun. It probably had something to do with the fact that Bekah and Michelle2 were there as well. Michelle G was a huge help in helping me learn the tenor line in roughly 8 hours. So yes, I admit it, I enjoyed being a tenor and if I ever lose my voice again, I'm going there first.

Friends are even more amazing. And when you lose your voice, they're still amazing. I don't really know what to say, except how much I felt included and loved and cared for. I totally would not have made it through Saturday if it weren't for some people constantly checking up on me and encouraging me when I felt so terrible and frustrated with myself, because honestly, I was feeling really down about feeling so terrible and being voiceless.

Some people who were praticularly a huge encouragement to me were Tala, thank you for your Halls and your hugs! Hannah, thank you for asking about how I was doing and your hugs. Erik (J), thank you for caring and telling me I could do it, it helped a lot. Michelle (G), thank you for your prayers, back rubs and hugs. Jenn (G), thank you for telling me not to talk to you, and instead just hugged me every time you saw me. Katie, thank you for telling me to "give me (you) a hug" every time I saw you. Luke, thank you for caring about my voice and telling me I shouldn't talk, no matter how difficult it is for me not to talk. (IT IS!!!) Janelle, thank you for your smiles in practices. Brittni, thank you for getting frustrated with me for talking and for inviting me to colour when I was totally drained. In a very different way, it was restoring...who knew colouring could be restoring? Ryan, thank you for doing that dance for me, it really lifted my spirits. Jordan, thank you for your encouraging words. Kimberly (F), thank you for sympathizing with me. Amanda, thank you for caring about my voice. Keith, thank you for your hugs and smiles. Sarah, I don't know if I should thank you for telling me I sound like a gorilla with no voice, but thank you for caring. Jon (V) Thank you for telling me I looked nice, even when I felt so terrible. Just one..or maybe sixteen example(s) of how much people care. See how many people I've listed? And there's probably even more that just smiled at me or said something encouraging that helped keep me going. My homeschool friends rock my world.

I have realized that I wasn't there to make singing my top priority. I was most importantly there, to love and be loved, hang out and have a great time. And know that I am made in God's image. May I strive to image Him in every part of my life.

This is the end for now.
I may add other things later if I feel compelled to do so.

I knew I loved to talk, but I didn't realize how much I loved it, and rely on speech til this weekend. Sometimes though, words aren't needed.

.magic.

The wind in my hair. I'm letting go. I'm speeding ahead. I'm singing a song I've got stuck in my head.

"You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost."

Is it lost? Honestly. I think not. Just took me a while to see it. It is present in a totally different way. And I'd perfer not to think of it as magic, but the majesty of God and his willingness to be my everything.

I'm still lost, but not in the same way.

--

Tomorrow....:)

...

Then they'll do something you never expected.

Learn it

I think I understand now.
OCHEC is just one big drama.
Emotional and stretching and wonderful.
All at the same time.
Lessons are good.
So is being homeschooled.

--

Instant fascination.
Attention.
Spotlight on me.
For one morning.
Sanity is better in the long run.
So are the friends you see twice a week.
Not just twice a year.

--

Adventures into the unknown.
"I told you we're on the wrong floor!"
"Let's just take this elevator."
*Pile in*
*Hit floor 3*
"Luke, move, I want to read that sign!"
"Due to renovations, access to P3 and P5 is limited."
*Punch, punch, punch, punch*
Luke to the rescue.
*Doors slide open*
4 teens run out laughing.

--


Lifesong.
Amazingly talented.
That's all.


--

Boldly.
"What's your name?"
...I didn't know I could do it.

--


Why did I ever doubt him?
I feel so terrible.
Seeing deep within.
'Your face is like an open book to me."
Scary, in fact, beyond scary.
Yet strangely reassuring.
Can it really make me feel more loved.
Why do I doubt that I am loved by them in general.

--

Overreacting is my prime weakness.
First step is identifying it.

Compassion is my prime strength.
Clashes with my weakness.

That's me.

--

I should listen to you more.
You have good evaluation of people skills.
I could save myself some trouble.
I should understand you care.

--

Okay, I wish I understood you better.
I'm curious to see how you rule the world.
Such a pretty face.
How do you do it?

--

Wow, I never knew you were so nice.
I feel awful for not getting to know you better sooner.

--

90 minutes.
Solid.

--

It's over.
I can't believe it really.
It seems yesterday it started.
I want you to know I'm so proud of you.
I know it's hard.
I hear it in your voice.
I know I could see it in your eyes if I was there.
Like I want to be.
Distance is going down.

--

Elegant piano music enveloping me.
Somehow reminding me I am never alone.
Through every storm.
Every dissapointing situation.
Every disheartening conversation.
There you are Lord, calling out to me.
Calling my name.

--

Love goes a long way.
Did you know that?

--

Oh and please don't ask who I like.
I honestly don't know.
:P

--

O my God, I trust in You; Let me not be ashamed; Let not my enemies triumph over me.
Psalm 25:2

--

Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.
Psalm 107:1

--

And the verse that's shaking my world right now.

And above all things have fervant love for one another, for love will cover a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8

I have a lot to live up to.

I am not alone in my battles.

--

Learn it.
Learnt it.

--

All my love.

Honestly

Honestly, I'm not that strong.
I'm not as amazing as I look.
And deep within me I want it so badly.
Yet, I know this is the right thing.
It's hard.
I feel so alone but I know I'm not.
You come over and ask me to smile.
And I can't help it.
You're such a good friend.
And I love you soo much.


--

Together we stand.