classical music is never out of style

Internalizing information is like coffee filtering in the early morning. It takes time.
I wonder if if I'm shutting myself away or if I'm actually handling it really well.
These days, shafts of hope spill through my window and life actually seems remotely alive.
I don't want to be ingenuine (that's not a word, but I'm using it).

I've been thinking quietly the last few days.

He'll never see me go to university or college and maybe get a degree and he'll never see me get married or have any great-grand children, and I suddenly realized I really wanted him to be there through it all.
He was always so supportive.
He loved when I played the piano and sang and wrote songs and most of all loved when I played classical music.
He loved how whenever we had big family gatherings I'd be the one getting drinks, serving and entertaining. I was the "hostess with the mostess".
He loved how determined I was about things and how people meant so much to me.

I really don't know what else to say. I'm extremely restless. Till later...

you gotta know...

My friends rock my life.
In every season.

he's gone

...walking the streets that are golden as of 10:15am on 10/15/08.

I'm rather breaking.
I need somebody's shoulder.
I need...I have no idea.

despite

1:02am. Ugh. These days I'm wide awake at night thinking and working and sleepy during the day. Unfortunate really.

Despite everything, today, or rather yesterday, was a good day. I am thankful for pumpkin pie with *real* whip cream, hiking, a brother and his sister OR a sister and her brother with red hair who rock my life, opposites, speaking about nothing, music, turkey and more pumpkin pie, with ice cream the second time around.

I changed my template (again!!) to a classic blogger layout because I wanted to have the option for people to comment and I had spent way more than enough time trying to make the comments option work on the other one. This one's not too bad. It still has most of the same feel I wanted to achieve.

Thank you for your love.

thanksgiving of life

I just need to get this out.

I sat by his bed and held his hand as he gripped me tight. I looked at him lying there, breathing with help, eyes closed, and wondered what he could be thinking. The sun shone through the window and blinded me and brought tears to my eyes. A few fell and I looked quickly away from the rest of my family standing in the room with me, various things rolling through my mind. All of a sudden I heard a sound and turning around saw my grandma entering the room. She put a finger to her lips. I offered her my chair, but she wanted me to keep holding his hand, so she sat on the edge of the chair beside me, just looking at him. A few minutes later she reached over and squeezed his knee. His eyes fluttered open and the smile that spilt his face was one of pure joy, and something else...love. In that moment I was hit by so many emotions I was completely overcome. I just hope that one day someone, whoever they may be will look at me with that same look on their face, full of joy and love, no matter the situation. Then I had to leave, I felt like I couldn't breathe 'cause the tears were choking me up and the lump in my throat was so large I felt slightly dizzy from lack of oxygen. I walked slowly down the hall, and around the corner to where the rest of my family was sitting, immediate and extended. A while later I went back to the room again, to sit with him again. I sit here and type this and tears silently roll down my face as I listen to some worship music. I know the clock is ticking, it isn't long now, unless there's a miracle coming around, because that's what it would take. Only God knows exactly how long it will be. The last thing I did was squeeze his hand and whisper in his ear, "see you later Granddad." I know that I will see him later, whether it be on this earth or in heaven. Oh, and what was he thinking about? My aunt asked him when I had left the room for the first time and he answered with one word: "heaven".

Life needs to be embraced. Tell them you love them, whoever in your life it may be.
It's ironic that this is all happening around thanksgiving, the time when we specifically think about how blessed we are. Sometimes it's difficult to think about how blessed you are when battling pain and anguish. I can't count all the blessings my Heavenly Father has poured upon me, and that's the way God intended for it to be. Too numerous to count, but worthy of thanksgiving to Him.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

(I wish you were here, to be my shoulder to lean on, but I know it's impossible.)

...but God's love is everywhere. Yes.

there's a storm inside of life.

it's here

Okay, I finally reached that point. October hit, and so did the stress. Maybe it's because all of a sudden I had 3 more classes added to my term, which I did know were coming, but I wasn't exactly prepared. Maybe it's because I'm currently living without the presence and support of my parents (5 days to go!). Maybe it's because this morning I called my Grandma to tell her we were doing alright and she told me they were waiting for the ambulence to take my Grandad to the hospital, yet again, so she couldn't talk. Maybe it's because I have a million things to do (or feel like I do) and I have so many other things to do, I can't get those ones done. Maybe it's because I'm in the middle of a situation and I don't want to be here and I don't know how to get out without hurting anyone. Maybe it's because I miss people, a lot and I wish I could see them this second. Maybe it's because I'm now on top of the highschool world and everyone seems to expect more from you up here. Maybe it's because I'm annoyed with some things going on. Maybe it's because I'm feeling intensely pressured to drive. Maybe it's because I'm feeling distance. Maybe it's because I wish it was still summer. Maybe it's because I'm supposed to be deciding what I want to do next year. Maybe it's because my heart is aching over a variety of things and people. Maybe it's because everything is so different. Maybe it's because I'm so tired a lot of the time. Maybe it's because I kinda wish I had some more hours at work. Maybe it's because I'm not trusting God enough. Wait, that is actually probably it. I would get riled up like this. lol. The difference is? I've never been so happy and stressed out. I need to remember Psalm 46:10a.

I'm wearing my camp sweater, that always makes me feel better.
I'm going to the Rockton Fair on Friday, that's always rediculously fun.
I have a lot of people who are making sure I'm still breathing while my parents are away, and I appreciate it a lot.
I have a Almighty Heavenly Father. Thanks be to Him for life and for love.

Ahh, I'll get by.

PS. I'm trying to get a comments box through Haloscan, and I understand how to do it, but where the heck is the layout tab on the dashboard now. This shouldn't be difficult. I'm feeling mildly stupid. Such is life.

I don't get it...

What do you think you're doing?

things pick up

I got tired of the old lay-out. I'm working on a comment box. Reason I say "working" is because it's crazy around here as my parents are leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks out west (Calgary/train tour through Rockies/BC) in celebration of their 25th wedding anniversary. Yeah...jealous much? Therefore my schedule is a lot different than normal; sleeping over at other peoples houses so I can get to school things etc, but then getting home for work. I'm feeling a little crazy, and this morning I woke up sick. Figures, doesn't it?

"Appreciate the goodness of God. Count your blessings. Learn not to take pleasures for granted." J.I.Packer